#1
I was lying in my bed,
Sitting in the darkness,
What was next to me,
Nothing but coldness,
I could feel it on my skin,
I could feel it crawling on my skin.

Watch the train from the end of the tunnel,
See me panic, See me scramble,
The words I speak are muttered and groaned,
Next door I could smell the sex in the air.

Still in my bed,
I turned on the light,
The fuse broke down,
Darkness back in the night,
Time at slowest pace,
Felt like I lost my face.

Watch the train from the end of the tunnel,
See me panic, See me scramble,
The words I speak are muttered and groaned,
Next door I could smell the sex in the air.

Whats that I hear,
I think it's screaming,
A woman in pain,
The one I hear moaning,
They found a knife in her back,
The determination I did lack.

Watch the train from the end of the tunnel,
See me panic, See me scramble,
The words I speak are muttered and groaned,
Next door I could smell the sex in the air.


Based on a dream of which I had the other night where I heard a rape and murder.
#2
thanks for the crit. i thought it was fine for a song but as a piece it doesn't really grab me. i really didn't like how you ended each "verse," the forced rhymes and such, i'd say just lose the last line of each one. the train sets up a pretty good image, i think you should incorporate more of that into the piece. you can work it into the "i think it's screaming" part.
#3
Quote by somewhat_here
thanks for the crit. i thought it was fine for a song but as a piece it doesn't really grab me. i really didn't like how you ended each "verse," the forced rhymes and such, i'd say just lose the last line of each one. the train sets up a pretty good image, i think you should incorporate more of that into the piece. you can work it into the "i think it's screaming" part.


Oh right cheers it was a really quick on the spot kind of write for me but still its a working piece. Cheers for the crit.