#1
this would probably make a good childrens book. Never knew it would come to this, but...

***
I remember the one about the cat
and the ball of tape.
It would push it around for hours on end,
through the hallways, dining room and kitchen.
The owner and his family would offer yarn,
the more commonly accepted toy for cats,
but resulting in no such luck.
This cat loved his ball of tape
And the loving family eventually gave in.

Then one day, rolling the ball with it’s nose
like any other day,
the cat noticed that one of the family members
had left the back door open.
The cat had a sudden urge for adventure,
and set out with the ball
to discover foreign land, places, even creatures.
He pushed and pushed that ball of tape down the street,
across a bridge, and into the a forest that was full
of lush greenery.
The cat stopped to take it all in but soon realized that
it had no idea were it was.
There wasn’t a trail anymore
And the sun would soon be over the horizon.
The cat's hair stood on end and it began to meow.

Grandpa then said, as he suddenly stopped bouncing his knee, “So the lesson to be learned here is that if the cat would have listened to his family and played with the yarn, he would've never got lost and been able to find his way back home to safety.”
#2
It will definitely make a good story for children . I enjoyed it . It was cute.
Hi
#4
thanks guys...i'll have to go visit grandpa soon so I can further add to this series...
#5
Make the cat find his way home! :O I'm crying my eyes out, it needs a happy ending!

Heh... Maybe take out some of the more upper level words like "lush"? I don't know, kids might not know what that means....
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Portugal. The Man »–
#6
Very nice BJ, very nice indeed. I disagree with the above, this would connect on multiple levels left as is. Although that said, a more rigid structure may benefit this. Spliting it up into clear sentences rather than a poetry layout.

I'm not sure how it would work but by extending little parts of this you could achieve a lot more, just a little more detail once the cat has left the house etc...you might begin to lose the essence of the story however.

Great little story.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Quote by Steve
Very nice BJ, very nice indeed. I disagree with the above, this would connect on multiple levels left as is. Although that said, a more rigid structure may benefit this. Spliting it up into clear sentences rather than a poetry layout.


I'd agree with this whole-heartedly. It felt too confined to the broken-line style here and to put it in actual prose would benefit the piece I think. Which from your opening comment the idea was possibly floating around your head anyway.

One thing which I would point out (and I think this is just personal) is the onomatoepia at the end. The technique I find works much better in other contexts (when you are adding in sound as a description of a place or action, for instance). Hear I think I would've prefferred some personification "eg, moaned, cried, sighed" but better. I just think it would've given an increased effect and portrayed this cat more strongly than it is.

But again, possivly just a personal thing.

This was a cute, well worded and very fresh to read. I liked.

If you could drop a word or two in on Spring Blinds in my sig, BJ, I'd appreciate it. If you go more in-depth with it I'd owe you a bundle. It's prose so every word you say will be listened to intently.

Thanks if you can.

Oh and the above poster can **** off.
#9
thanks all, the words mean a lot...it was a lottle challange to myself to break up the lines to make it different for me personally, even though I agree that it probably didn't benefit the piece. thanks again all.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44

Oh and the above poster can **** off.


Chill Jamie. I posted this in chat cause it made me sad, then made people read it. He was just saying. Lol.

Sorry BJ.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
Quote by Jammydude44
Oh and the above poster can **** off.

lol

This is why I don't come here.
#12
I can think of other pieces of mine that are more depressing than this, but oh well...