#1
I've two left shoes and I'm out of glue

Musical musings careen from my conscious
What whimsical wonderings of worldly things
Of love and of life and by letting loose
by moving my mouth to let these things spring
I show my insane insanity as my false façade
Of giving a god damn drop of concern about you and
I and we falls away

Floundering fools, they think they found
Happiness placed here in their white painted houses
In their bellies their wondering, warmly, why communists
And poor people can’t comprehend their lovely lives
But I understand

Why silently suffering some sorry souls
Perceive this place where we were placed as imperfect
Am I insane if I won’t play their game?
If I defect am I damned to be a broken backed man?
Bent under the weight of wonderful dreams
Utterly doomed


let me know what you think C4C
#2
"whimsical wonderings."

i see the repitition of this technique all throughout your piece, and i'm not too thrilled by the way you pulled it off. most of it just seems so forced, you know? however, i do like the concept, and i managed to not let that get in the way of how i felt about it; because let's face it, there's always room for improvement, right?

i very much liked the middle stanza, i think it involved the reader so much more than the other two.
i don't know what direction i would take as far as revisions go, tbh i'd probably just leave it alone. i mean, the piece is good, just that technique(i'm not really sure of what the name of it is) - i'd probably work on it a little before implementing it in another work, make sense?

i hope i've helped.
if you want to return the favor - an arch dilemma. - just a little something, i'd appreciate any comments.
Thanks.
#3
Thanks for the feedback...sorry I couldn't help much on your piece. I pretty much just dumped this out right before posting it like literally just sat down and started typing and it came right out.
#4
i actually really liked this, i think it flowed well and though some of it might be a little over the top it still works well.

Am I insane if I won’t play their game?
If I defect am I damned to be a broken backed man?
Bent under the weight of wonderful dreams
Utterly doomed

i think that was a poor ending. i liked your descriptions and style all the way up to here. other than that part this was great.
8/10

my piece is on the front page 'seaweed trap'. if you could just say a word that would be nice, thanks
#6
I'm not up for critiquing this whole thing right now - but one thing that stood out to me was the 5th line: "insane insanity". Yuckk. Can you change that to something less redundant?

As for the rest of the piece, pretty good. Maybe I'll come by later for a better critique, sorry.