#1
a deferred glance,
i saw you amongst Toyotas.
curbs catching your gaze.

it makes me feel slight
that i was offended by flirtation.
but isn't that what is expected from a man to another man?
looking up from the pavement
your eyes spoke oceans,
voyages which cut so hard.
that look will stay with me
like i'm sure her's will in you.

do you question your place?
will you fall in her sheets
reaching, wishing for abyssal embrace?
you went into reverse slowly, leaving
breaths on my heart you'll never know.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Apr 11, 2008,
#2
I didn't particularly like the toyota reference. Maybe it just seemed a bit of a tacky reference. When people name car makes it is usually an attempt to show the sterotype but here I don't think that's what you wanted, so I'd say remove the brand here.

"eyes spoke oceans" I didn't particularly like because of the line before it "pavements", the images didn't go together well, unlike oceans/voyages.

I thought the ending was rather breathtaking.
#4
2 negative points :
-I didn't like Toyotas either. You can make this line so much more interesting without name-dropping the brand.
-The god damned title. Why do you guys stick stuff in the online translator and put it up as a title? "les yeux sans visages" means "(the) Eyes without a face". So now it looks like "eyes without a face eyes".

Apart from that frustration, the rest was absolutely beautiful. Definitely better to me than your last one, which I already was a fan of. Very refreshing. Heartfelt, too.

Great job.
#6
i like the toyota reference, i think it fits well. this was a brilliant piece as usual, especially the ending.