#1


i fully intended to crusify myself
thinking i was jesus
after a long night on the town
stood outside the hardware store
thinking:
beerchange
that's all i've got
not enough to buy a crown of thorns
or nails for my hands
nails for my feet
or a twelve foot length of two by four.
the store was shut
but i didn't care.
saw all the equipment i needed
to make myself an instant saviour
bastard drunk and angry still
but soon the adopted son of god
so i put a brick through the window
heard alarm bells
got scared
and ran away
all the resolve of a child
wound up in the mind of
a crazy faced fanatic
started walking home to my woman
thinking:
jesus never had a woman
thinking:
maybe tomorrow i will
bleed myself dry
thinking i am cassanova
or step inside the whale
thinking that i'm jonah.





love is a dog from hell.



#2
there were just a couple of things that bothered me about this...

first: the mispelled "crucify" in the first line. - now, i realize that's kind of picky, but what bothers me most is that i can't quite figure out if it was done purposely as some sort of inside reference, or just mispelled?

anyway, the next thing - i loved the "thinking:" repitition. i read the first time through, and i thought to myself "dammit, that's annoying." i don't know why it struck me that way the first time, but i read it a couple more times, and i've decided i liked it.
^yes, because my godly opinion matters just that much.

this piece was filled with little phrases i found myself picking out for admiration:
"not enough to buy a crown of thorns"
"all the resolve of a child"....

yeah, this was good - as usual. i'll definitely be coming back to read it a couple more times.

if you want to - an arch dilemma. - it's not my best, but it's my latest and i'd be glad to hear what you think of it.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 11, 2008,
#3
I got very little out of this myself, Chris.

Though your rhyme was ace and you had enough tongue in cheek humour to amuse me, I felt towards the end that you weren't really saying much other than you were quite drunk and not thinking too straight.

"instant saviour" was great to show the stupid effect of drinking, and "all the resolve of a child" was a awesome way to show how alcohol gives you that cocky adult mind that can easily be knocked out.

So good in places, but personally didn't really connet with me.
#4
yeah, Jammy kind of had a point. you don't really see where the allusions to the various people are going. you kind of just throw them out there and expect us to just accept them as clever. i guess the writing is nicely done but when you're going with such forced substance it kind of puts a halo of lame atop the rest of the piece. i'd say try and work a clearer way of presenting what you are trying to present by alluding to Jesus.
#6
Edit: hmm. Sometimes your work seems like effortless genius. This was one which had less genius. I thought "bastard drunk and angry still / but soon the adopted son of god" was great.
Last edited by samoo at Apr 12, 2008,
#7
Like everyone else said... this one wasn't striking, for a few reasons.

A) It wasn't tangible... as Jamie pointed out.

B) It didn't feel effortless, it felt labored... like you had to try to write it... and still didn't know what to write about (which is why it wasn't tangible)

3) I thought your references were lazy. I don't mind biblical references in pieces... but if you are going to have an entire piece circulating about the references, you need to go deeper than surface level. Make it worth my time to check what you are referencing... you built this piece around such a weak set of "outside ideas" that it was bound to not come out as a strong piece.

Hope that makes sense.

-zC