#1
archers firing arrows on fire; how clever we can be
when we only aim to make each other bleed.
bandages on our ankles so nobody can see
where our mothers dipped us into the holy sea.
i am salt to all the wounds you're clawing at.
each and every night you tear them open again.

that night, we lost our family photos;
tore them up and threw them into the lake.
i was running a fever of a hundred and four
as i lay, barely conscious below the snow.
there were sounds of trains breaking free from their tracks...
they were coming with vengeance to kill the conductor.

oh, how long till you bring me home, lord?
i've been waiting so damn long to sing my final song.

i'm just firing blanks from my gun
i think i'm scaring off the wolves who always hunt
this forest and surrounding areas.


still a work in progress, but let me know what you think.
Last edited by stjoejake at Apr 11, 2008,
#2
archers firing arrows on fire; how clever we can be
when we only aim to make each other bleed.
bandages on our ankles so nobody can see
where our mothers dipped us into the holy sea.
i am salt to all the wounds you're clawing at.
each and every night you tear them open again.
Kinda liked it. The see/sea rhyme feels a bit forced though

that night, we lost our family photos;
tore them up and threw them into the lake.
i was running a fever of a hundred and four
as i lay, barely conscious below the snow.
there were sounds of trains breaking free from their tracks...
they were coming with vengeance to kill the conductor.
Somewhat worse, below and snow didn't read good and the last two lines don't connect. You could replace below with beneath or something? Here's what I'd make of the last three lines:
As i lay, barely conscious beneath the snow i heard
Sounds of trains breaking free from their tracks...
Coming with vengeance to kill the conductor.
Or something like that. You shouldn't listen too much to me though, I just joined yesterday, so...


oh, how long till you bring me home, lord?
i've been waiting so damn long to sing my final song.
Cheesy? Did like it though.

i'm just firing blanks from my gun
i think i'm scaring off the wolves who always hunt
this forest and surrounding areas.
Expand a bit more, it doesn't feel finished. Probably because it's work in progress, but still.

I did like it. I guess the final version would be much more complete, so I'm not gonna complain about that. If you've time, please crit 'Blank slate' in my sig.