#1
need a help with the title.

C4C of course.

enjoy


just pulled out the driveway
going a little faster
i wish somebody told me
this day will be disaster

go some ways up the street
ignore the stop sign; take a right
shoulda been more careful
in the middle of the night

didnt see the red light
eyes blurred up from that drink
all of this happened so fast
even quicker than a blink

the car hit from the side
shattered glass; machines demise
metal pieces everywhere
this was part of my worse nightmare

my vehicle was totalled out
the fear just shot right through me
the Dodge spun off the road
its the only thing i could see

i got out of the car
to see if the victim was alright
he was trapped inside and bleeding
he was in quite a plight

the cops showed up
about one in the morning
this accident too serious
for me to have a "warning"

he showed up with an ambulance
the medics pulled him out
his face all scratched up
some teeth knocked out his mouth

i payed for his insurance
as well as the hospital bill
i prayed the Lord protect him
as a friend came to pay my bail

in the hospital i stayed
with this man until the end
i was lucky enough that he stayed alive
he became my best friend

i apologized for everything
he said it was alright
so me and him promised to
never drink again that night


hmmm ok ya i wrote this on the spot. crit 4 crit. i feel like i put to much or not enough. lol. whatever. lol
Last edited by jschock92 at Apr 11, 2008,
#2
(any suggestions here?) thats all i could see
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Quote by frozen_soul
ummm testicular cancer?
#3
hold on .. i got something too. i wrote this about something very special and meaningful to me..please tell me what you think

annekes ass

i lay in bed,
with nothing to do
i spend my days,
staring at you

i see you jiggle,
when she runs
i think to myself,
"man, shes got nice buns!"

i see you move,
i see you shake
baby you really
make my testicles quake

i touched you once,
it was oh-so sweet
we should chill one night
and make ends meet

the way that thong
flosses your cheeks;
my penis, the one,
your pussy, doth seek

i love you high,
i love you low,
any other suitors
ill rho shambo

this is my poem
i hope its clear
its about something
near and dear

i hope this turns
your heart to mush
this is the tale
of annekes sweet toosh
#5
poor white boy, please don't hijack other people's threads... especially if what you are posting could be considered offensive.

Anyway... Your poem/song jschock...

Overall I like it. you've got a good storyline going and a good theme and overall feel. It is a little long for my tastes, but not SO long that it just seems like rambling. if you did want to make it shorter you could pull certain stanza's out without losing meanings. But i'll leave that up to you.

KewlChristian's suggestion for your missing line is good imo. also i'm too slack atm to come up with my own haha

that's my 2 bob, it's a bit long for a stanza by stanza breakdown... anyway It's a good read, I just hope that's it's not based on a true story... car crashes are scary

oh and for a title... Midnight crash? or perhaps "Last night on the town"*shrugs* just throwin ideas out there

check out my latest writing:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=833986
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#6
Quote by jschock92
( any suggestions here?)


made me wish I'd dropped that last e.