#1
I wrote this with winter_tears for a music lesson. tell me what you all think. C4C.


Welcome to the world in my head
Forever in your shadow
I find the things you try to hide
And bring them out of the darkness,

It’s better than drugs
Makes me feel so high
Gives me a reason
To live out the lie

The cracks in the wall
Start to show me through
Like the rising sun you light my sky
But yet you scorch my eyes

It’s better than drugs
Makes me feel so high
Gives me a reason
To live out the lie

Nothing I can do
Can heal the pain inside
Eyes peer through the golden shroud
The only thing that keeps me alive

It’s better than drugs
Makes me feel so high
Gives me a reason
To live out the lie
Last edited by deceiveroffools at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
Hi there.

Welcome to the world in my head //this sits nice as an intro
Forever in your shadow
I find the things you try to hid //don't know if this is a typo but it sounds bad? Hide?
And bring them out of the darkness, //you can do much better here, this line has a lot of potential, maybe try something like 'deliver them from dreadful darkness', that doesn't fit 100% but you get the idea, you can do better there.

It’s better than drugs
Makes me feel so high //I really don't like this line, its kind of obvious that drugs makes you feel high, and thus also this situation.
Gives me a reason
To live out the lie //i think this is for me probably the best line in the whole piece, good work

The cracks in the wall
Start to show me through
Like the rising sun you light my sky
But yet you scorch my eyes //don't really have anything to comment on here

Nothing I can do
Can heal the pain inside // This is a dull clichéd line, its just a bit, well, dull and overused in its plain sense.
Eyes peer through the golden shroud //+1 for you here
The only thing that keeps me alive


Well, I liked your previous one 'necromancy' a whole lot better. There wasn't anything really special for me in here, it seems a bit dull. Although it isn't necessarily. There was up and downs in the whole piece which leaves a huge gap for improvement, so I'll try to add some interesting imagery here and there if I were you.

Take a look at mine?
Its the end... (the atmosphere apprehends)


Thanks
Ferocious mumbles
#6
ok, C4C,

i had a look through the rest of your work as well, and personally i'm gonna give you some advice someone gave me:

you should try different writing styles.

most of your work is..... bleak.

nice, but bleak.
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

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Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows