#1
This is my third poem....criticism is very appreciated.

III.Presence

Question his presence
fear not for his wrath
yearn for his absence
leave them to their path.

In his glory blood and war
**** his son and holy *****
his faith is like a draining bind
a constant hold upon mankind.

Those who by his words adhere
act blindly as though enchained
hypocrites consumed by fear
who by his grace are left restrained.

His words not of affection
but of delusion and lies
no heaven or resurrection
only death and demise.

What has god done for you,
except bring you fear and pain?
you'd better hope that heaven's true
if for him you shall be slain.

Live you life for you
and not for his belief
worry not of what ensues
and allow none of his grief.

How many must die
until religion is abolished?
how many more lies
must we let go on unpunished?
#4
Poems!!!

This is my third poem....criticism is very appreciated.

III.Presence

Question his presence
fear not for his wrath
yearn for his absence
leave them to their path.

I'm actually getting really bored of forced to rhyme poems. Thank you! I like it already, the second line is it bit dodgy and in my mind I keep reading Fear of not his wrath. Anyway good, flows.

In his glory blood and war
**** his son and holy *****
his faith is like a draining bind
a constant hold upon mankind.

Loving the last two lines, his son and holy doesnt really fit though to be honest. Even if that is like a major thing, it doesn't quite click, just looks like something to fill a line. Sorry, the rhyming scheme seems to have left us here. Oh dear. Still flows, but that middle line. Good again.

Those who by his words adhere
act blindly as though enchained
hypocrites consumed by fear
who by his grace are left restrained.

Here the rhyming scheme comes back to us! YAY I like it and damn this warrior must be mighty Flows well, fancy words, not too forced, natural, but thought out. Best type. Well done!

His words not of affection
but of delusion and lies
no heaven or resurrection
only death and demise.

Rhyming scheme still with us A,B,A,B. I like how this warrior is being portrayed, descriptive, but not to the point that you have no actual chance to imagine him in your own way. Effective.

What has god done for you,
except bring you fear and pain?
you'd better hope that heaven's true
if for him you shall be slain.

Again quite effective, rhyming scheme staying [="Now what is this about? A fight with this mighty warrior? Oh if he is killed in God's name I get it. So this warrior is religious. Nice imagery.[/B"]

Live you life for you - ? Live your* life for you???
and not for his belief
worry not of what ensues
and allow none of his grief.

Live your* life for you, is it not? Doesn't make sense otherwise. Again good rhymes, effective, nice! [="Liking this poem.[/B"]

How many must die
until religion is abolished?
how many more lies
must we let go on unpunished?

Awww I really liked this poem, but this last stanza it ruins it for me. The thing is I hate people claiming religion causes wars. Religion does not. Religion is used as excuses to cause wars! You could argue oh okay what about the crusades and the burnings? You most of them in the burnings were killed for control and power. Their were powerful people on the otherside that could, take you off the throne! I know kill them, excuse religion. Crusades, were for money, simple as.

Religion, cause wars no. - Money, greed, guilt, competition, threat and urge for survival - Yes.

Oh well the rhyming scheme is still there...


Very good overall apart from that bit in the second stanza, the fact you dropped the rhyming scheme for that stanza was not good either! The ignorancemy opinion at the end was the worst bit. But overall good.

EDIT - Can you crit myn The Unknown
O Hai der.
#5
the first and sixth words in the 2nd stanza were supposed to be fvck and wh0re but its censored.
#6
Quote by TheThingKills
Poems!!!


Very good overall apart from that bit in the second stanza, the fact you dropped the rhyming scheme for that stanza was not good either! The ignorancemy opinion at the end was the worst bit. But overall good.

EDIT - Can you crit myn The Unknown


I honestly don't see how you could have gotten that the poem was about a warrior though.
#7
I dunno I just thought it was more like a powerful warrior than God really. lol Feel stupid now "¬¬ and if its not about that either damn.
O Hai der.