#1
Sorry for this everyone if its lame... I haven't posted one up here for a while... Not that anyone will remember me Oh well life goes on. Crit for Crit as usual. (Corr Hannah such a noob hahaa ) Here it is:

The Unknown

*intro riff*

Where is this place?
We were told to believe in,
Where is the moment?
That makes everything surreal.

Where is the feeling?
That makes me ever-chosen,
Where is the fear?
I felt long ago.

Oh.


*bass riff*

Where are we led to?
Like cattle in a herd,
Who are these leaders?
That hide behind their words.

Who hides the answers?
Away from human eyes.
We are the destroyers,
We are our own demise.


*solo*

Where comes the blood?
From a thousand nations.
Where goes the sacrifice?
Of these martyr’s lives.

What fuels the passion?
Of mankind’s despise.
What lurks beneath?
Our thoughtful misty eyes.

Who hides the answers?
Away from human eyes.
We are the destroyers,
We are our own demise.

What happens when?
A child’s life is taken.
What does it feel?
As it’s last tear is wept.


*outro*


If you'd like to suggest a better title thats awesome!
O Hai der.
Last edited by TheThingKills at Apr 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by TheThingKills
Sorry for this everyone if its lame... I haven't posted one up here for a while... Not that anyone will remember me Oh well life goes on. Crit for Crit as usual. (Corr Hannah such a noob hahaa ) Here it is:

ahem. not a noob. just a noob to this particular forum. I am experienced in the pit.

The Unknown

*intro riff*

Where is this place?
We were told to believe in,
Where is the moment?
That makes everything surreal.

Where is the feeling?
That makes me ever-chosen,
Where is the fear?
I felt long ago.

Oh.


*bass riff*

Where are we led to?
Like cattle in a herd,
Who are these leaders?
That hide behind their words.

Who hides the answers?
Away from human eyes.
We are the destroyers,
We are our own demise.


*solo*

Where comes the blood?
From a thousand nations.
Where goes the sacrifice?
Of these martyr’s lives.

What fuels the passion?
Of mankind’s despise.
What lurks beneath?
Our thoughtful glassy eyes.

i like this verse, but maybe another word for glassy would sound better

Who hides the answers?
Away from human eyes.
We are the destroyers,
We are our own demise.

What happens when?
A baby’s life is taken.
What does it feel?
As it’s last tear is wept.


might sound better if you say a childs life instead, don't know why though
*outro*


If you'd like to suggest a better title thats awesome!

That titles fine.


I can't really say much, cause i like it, just a few bits here and there. Plus, as i said i'm not very experienced in this forum, and i'm not a very good songwriter, but i'm learning how to crit (:
Yes, it's a very old username.
#3
I don't have much to say about this piece - it's pretty good, but I'm new to critiquing.

I can say, though, that the last stanza turned the message around completely and it left me wondering if this was some kind of anti-abortion song? If that's what you were going for, then it worked. If not, changing the word 'baby' to 'child' might work, as the above poster mentioned. Or just some kind of revision in that stanza.

Otherwise, this is a pretty good, insightful piece. Nice work.
#6
first of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I thought the piece was pretty good. The biggest flaw I see with the piece is that there are too many questions. I think you should change maybe a few of the interrogatives to declaratives. Asking all of those questions just seems too taxing on the reader to me. Also I think the first verse could use some rearranging. Myabe something like "Where is the Heaven/We're told to believe in?/Trapped in a world/Of surreal moments." Also in the second verse I would drop the "ever" before chosen. I think it helps it flow better. Anyways, that's all I really see "wrong" with this piece. Nice job, man.