#1
Alright guys, first song I've done, gone through a few drafts, tell me what you think...

Yeah I know its all so childish.

***

"Not Truly Me"


I told them all about this girl
Shes been on my mind for awhile
Sweet as sugar, a precious pearl
Changes my day with just a smile.
Someday soon I hope she'll see
What exactly I'm trying to show.
Maybe we are meant to be
Or am I destined to be alone?

Through it all they brave the storm
A tender kiss feels nice and warm.
Together they feel at home...
What went wrong, I could not see
Things were fine if you asked me.
My broken heart stays unsewn...

I guess were done...


Close your eyes and go to sleep.
Dream the memories you keep.
I will be fine, I'll do my best.
But what I feel is still so deep.


I walk alone, don't feel the same.
There's no one home and whose to blame?
My head still spins way too fast
No one wins back the time thats passed.
I can still smile and talk to friends
Its been a long while- it never ends.
Friends all ask, it's plain to see
I wear a mask, I am not me.

Some may laugh and some may cry
Some just want a second try.
Feelings have only grown...
No one saw, no chance to stare,
No one could help, but who would care?
I'm truly all alone...

And I fall...


Close your eyes and go to sleep
Dream the memories you keep.
I will be fine, I'll do my best
But what I feel is still so deep.


Together they feel at home
My broken hearts' still unsewn
Feelings have only grown
Truly now I'm all alone.

I can still smile
Its plain to see
even though its been a long while-

I am still not truly me.
#2
"Not Truly Me"


I told them all about this girl
Shes been on my mind for awhile
Sweet as sugar, a precious pearl
Changes my day with just a smile.
Someday soon I hope she'll see
What exactly I'm trying to show.
Maybe we are meant to be
Or am I destined to be alone?

mm pretty good. though the only problem i have with this is that its so.. cliche.

Through it all they brave the storm
A tender kiss feels nice and warm.
Together they feel at home...
What went wrong, I could not see
Things were fine if you asked me.
My broken heart stays unsewn...

I guess were done...

the last line seems very out of place consider revising it

Close your eyes and go to sleep.
Dream the memories you keep.
I will be fine, I'll do my best.
But what I feel is still so deep.

you dont have to rhyme all of these.. its very.. boring.. and redundant. it also sounds a bit forced.

I walk alone, don't feel the same.
There's no one home and whose to blame?
My head still spins way too fast
No one wins back the time thats passed.
I can still smile and talk to friends
Its been a long while- it never ends.
Friends all ask, it's plain to see
I wear a mask, I am not me.


Some may laugh and some may cry
Some just want a second try.
Feelings have only grown...
No one saw, no chance to stare,
No one could help, but who would care?
I'm truly all alone...

And I fall...


Close your eyes and go to sleep
Dream the memories you keep.
I will be fine, I'll do my best
But what I feel is still so deep.


Together they feel at home
My broken hearts' still unsewn
Feelings have only grown
Truly now I'm all alone.

I can still smile
Its plain to see
even though its been a long while-

I am still not truly me.

mm over all.. i couldnt really finish this.. it was.. i dont mean to be mean but a bit.. dry. you need to pack some metaphors or similes to spice it up a little. also it seems like you really focused on making some things rhyme. i think that flow and diction is more important then rhyming tho at some points it is appropriate to rhyme. on a whole the piece seemed to move.. sporadically, im not sure if you did it on purpose or what but it was a bit confusing. erm.. well gl keep on writting? crit on of mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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