#1
bewildering statements conceive
this undieing trust
in something that
was never alive

just a days walk to the edge of you seat
but ever so likely to fall
into this abyss
of nothingness

wishing not to prey
afraid of conversing
with dial tones
still your prey wishes
you would hold the trigger
ever so lightly

one small step in the wrong direction
protecting compasses like virtues
one couldn't predict such a small malfunction

now you stand hesitant
contemplating differences between north and not
casting stones aside
hiding in broad daylight
while this urgency roams your blood

i urge you not to fight this battle
no victory in sight
for even blind men see
the difference between
trust and faith
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
Quote by bigbirdfan
bewildering statements conceive
this undieing trust
that was never alive

just a days walk to the edge of you seat
but ever so likely to fall
in this abyss
of nothingness
good, i like it
wishing not to prey
afraid of conversing
with dial tones
still your pray wishes
you would hold the triger
ever so lightly
good, like it, especially the last two lines
one small step into the wrong direction
protecting compasses like virtues
one couldn't predict such a small malfunction
good
now you stand hesitant
contemplating differences between north and not
casting stones aside
hiding in broad daylight
while this urgency roams your blood

i urge you not to fight this battle
no victory in sight
for even blind men see
the difference between
trust and faith
i like this verse, possibly my favourite


thanks for the crit on mine
Yes, it's a very old username.
#3
bewildering statements conceive
this undieing trust
that was never alive
i didn't like this

just a days walk to the edge of you seat
but ever so likely to fall
in this abyss
of nothingness
on the first line i think you mean 'your seat' and i would change the third line to 'into this abyss' other than that i liked this stanza

wishing not to prey
afraid of conversing
with dial tones
still your pray wishes
you would hold the triger
ever so lightly
on the fourth line do you mean prey?

one small step into the wrong direction
protecting compasses like virtues
one couldn't predict such a small malfunction
first line i would just have 'in' not 'into the wrong direction'

now you stand hesitant
contemplating differences between north and not
casting stones aside
hiding in broad daylight
while this urgency roams your blood

i urge you not to fight this battle
no victory in sight
for even blind men see
the difference between
trust and faith
i liked these last two stanzas.

a few changes need to be made but othere than that quite good