#1
I haven't convinced myself on this one yet, though it has a lot of personal meaning.

Anything would be appreciated.


This is how I tune out my obsessions.
I scrape the dirt from under my finger nails,
or make myself snacks when I'm really not hungry
and watch re-runs of Danger Bay.


She called last week and
I hung up after her first four words,
because lately eveything has been dying around me,
and I felt like that was the only way to preserve life
for at least one more night.

I waited three days and then she showed up at my door,
just as impatient as she is predictable.
"There's something I have to tell you."
Yeah, I've heard that line before, but since
I couldn't see my reflection in her eyes this time,
it felt somewhat unfamiliar.

"I know it's been a while,
and I'm sure you've probably forgotten about me..."


If by that she means 'thought endlessly about',
then she'd be right. I replied...

"No, not entirely"

"Well, I wanted to be the first to tell you...
I'm dying too."


This is how I dilute my intentions.
I make minimal eye contact, keep one hand
in my pocket and think of something witty
to say...

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

Damn...

I never know how to act
around someone
who's dying.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Apr 18, 2008,
#3
so steve, it turns out you were right... it is really hard to crit when you aren't writing. i'll try, but i'll just warn you right now, this is gonna be pretty damn worthless... oh yea, and its definitely not gonna be a full crit... sorry


i'm not sure i liked the style of this. you said it felt weird to write it, well i think i got that same feeling reading it. it kind of felt unsure... at least to me.

the punctuation, or maybe the lack of punctuation, in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas kind of made them read a little too urgent, more rushed than the subject matter should be.

i would have liked to see more distinction between the quotes that "you're" saying and the ones she says.

i did really like the beginning. and the end. i like the symmetry in the non-indented stanzas.


this really wasn't your best, though. its not bad all, and god knows i couldn't do any better. but you definitely can... told ya this was gonna be worthless.

later days.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
There was something about this that was inviting, but at the same time... it wasn't outstanding. The "centered" part would make a good stand-alone piece. Though, I HATED the tongue in cheek commentary. It just felt flimsy, there wasn't enough humor in it to justify being there, and it wasn't used enough for us to establish some sort of love for the narrator and wanting to be in his thoughts. The non-centered part was ok... I suppose it did its job... but again, it didn't seem personal enough or descriptive enough to really draw the reader in. It was just... there.

All that said, it was solid. It was better than most on here, but lacking for what I've read from you. It just didn't have the same zip and impact as your other poems.

Sorry that took so long,

-zC

FAKEDIT: I'm sure I owe you... but just a bump on Cow Hand (in sig) would be appreciated.
#6
Thanks a lot Ray and Zach. I made a few changes. I know this was a bit of a stretch from my usual style. Probably not something I'll stick with.

Thanks again.

Zach, I'll get to your piece hopefully later tonight.