#1
i wrote this awhile ago while i was having a really bad trip. the structure is definitely reflective of my thought process at the time.


ive been looking for a stitch or seam,
one with a kitchen where the table is clean;
turkey dinners sauteed in microwavable sentiment,
soy sauce on tap,
steamed lobster in a seaweed trap.
escalator conversations in convenient new locations,
buy three and get the fourth and fifth free.
six dollar buffet serving personality traits,
your genes are ripped right at the seam,
there's psilocybin in the cracks of my teeth,
watching chimpanzees **** on a blank television screen,
shaving my chest,
waxing my ears,
arguing with furniture,
picking midges from my flustered hair with
thumb tacks in my hands and knees,

i just feel like going home.
Last edited by rushmore at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this piece. I thought it had a nice little beat to it. However you kind of lost me at the "watching chimpanzees" line and after that. Towards the beginning you use a lot of food-type imagery. But at the end you just turn away from it. I jsut feel like there should be some kind of transition. Anyways, I definitely liked the tone of this piece and hope to read more from you.
#4
dude... this reminds me of something that Nirvana would write.... that can be a good or bad thing, depending on whether or not you like Nirvana
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


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#5
I really enjoyed this. Was the repetition of the word "seam" intentional? You could possible change it to "genes are ripped right at the breast", which doesn't make much sense but...neither does the rest of the song, and it rhymes with "chest". That's all I can think of though, it's a fun piece. Sort of makes me want to give up on writing poetry while sober.
#6
thank you. the seam repitition was semi intentional, i dont know if ill change it or not yet.
#8
haha, i just lol'd. this was awesome, and so relatable.

i'm having a hard time with the chimpanzee line; it just seems generic compared to the rest of the witty humor in the poem. it didn't quite hit me as hard the first time i read thru, but it really stood out the second time around. no need for any kind of revision i would think, it doesn't bring the poem down any, just kind of disappointing compared to the rest.

nice work man, i really liked this.

don't feel obligated, but if you want - pity party.