#1
crit4crit
BOTTLES AND MIRRORS


Stealing the fruits of Eden
To feed the bull of ides
Bathing in lamb-flavored wines

In the Paradise of Denial
Where angels and mongrels run wild
The bull was wounded with stigmata
But denies being my messiah

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

Forging bottles and mirrors
From the hourglass sands
Where bulls know they are lambs

From my hourglass, I'll pour spirits
On the bull's stigmata to cure it
I'll ferment testaments 'til you're drunk
On the fruits of apostolic love


When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

But I have no holy spirit,
No drink of the Eucharist,
Nothing but fruitless vineyards.
The only wines I can give
Are from the cellars of my heart.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
BOTTLES AND MIRRORS

I'll cut down the trees of Eden
To build you a humble home
Surrounded by
The vineyards of Rome

this was an okay start. i really like the first two lines but i think the last two are a little bland. the vineyards of rome is subpar

I'll plant crucifixes for you
Because even God knows that
The best wine comes from
The blood of lambs

again this was pretty okay. nothing incredible. im confused to how the first line relates to the last three.

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

i liked this.

From the sands of an hourglass
I'll make bottles and mirrors
To help you see
Your divineness clearer

this part seemed a little awkward, especially the last two lines. i do like the idea though.

Your spirit's in my hourglass
So celebrate and get drunk
On the fruits of
Apostolic love

i love all of this but the line' celebrate and get drunk' seems out of place. its a bit straight forward.

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

But I have no holy spirit,
No drink of the Eucharist,
Nothing but fruitless vineyards.
The only wines I can give
Are from the cellars of my heart.

i loved the last two lines.


nice work. i dont believes its as good as some of your other stuff but it was still pretty nice. 7/10
i have a piece on the first page if you could say a word or two
#4
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
BOTTLES AND MIRRORS


Stealing the fruits of Eden
To feed the bull of ides
Bathing in lamb-flavored wines
Always so refreshing to read your stuff.

In the Paradise of Denial
Where angels and mongrels run wild
The bull was wounded with stigmata
But denies being my messiah

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God
This felt a bit bland. There wasn't anything too much in this verse that grabbed my attention. Perhaps the lack of imagery like the first two.

Forging bottles and mirrors
From the hourglass sands
Where bulls know they are lambs

From my hourglass, I'll pour spirits
On the bull's stigmata to cure it
I'll ferment testaments 'til you're drunk
On the fruits of apostolic love
Great rhyme, good rhythm. Although I think "stigmata" in the middle of the line trips up the flow. I'm sure "wound" or something would suffice, possibly.


When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

But I have no holy spirit,
No drink of the Eucharist,
Nothing but fruitless vineyards.
The only wines I can give
Are from the cellars of my heart.
This was good. Is it just me or is there a play on "wines"? It's probably just me.


I know you never ever ever post in your own threads but do you have anything recorded anywhere? You're a writing machine and I'd love to see how this all goes with music, even if it isn't too much my style.
#5
crit4crit
BOTTLES AND MIRRORS


Stealing the fruits of Eden
To feed the bull of ides
Bathing in lamb-flavored wines

I like it, glad to hear something a little more original.

In the Paradise of Denial
Where angels and mongrels run wild
The bull was wounded with stigmata
But denies being my messiah

Really good, flows well, I can't really pick out anything bad...

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

Haha [="Again I'm liking this, originality is great! Flowing well still[/B"]

Forging bottles and mirrors
From the hourglass sands
Where bulls know they are lambs

Nice chorus [="I like the hourglass sands especially, still flowing well and no forced rhymes yet! Yay![/B"]

From my hourglass, I'll pour spirits
On the bull's stigmata to cure it
I'll ferment testaments 'til you're drunk
On the fruits of apostolic love

This is again really good, original and flowing, keep it up!

When you hear angels talking
Keep drinking and do not stop
'Til you come to your senses
And tell them that you're God

But I have no holy spirit,
No drink of the Eucharist,
Nothing but fruitless vineyards.
The only wines I can give
Are from the cellars of my heart.
Nice ending, flowed and was original up to the very end.



I know I've been saying it through the whole piece but:
Original, flowing, no forced rhymes. Well done, couldn't spot any faults. Listening to this would be awesome!

Could you crit myn in my sig?
O Hai der.
#6
I like it, I like the rhyme scheme as well. I agree, I would like to hear this with music.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#7
No, Jamie I do not have any recordings of my stuff. The only instrument I know how to play is drums. I just recently got some guys together to make a band, so as soon as we record something I'll send it to you. (I'll be on lead vocals, not drums). Also I never thought about that whine/wine reference at the last verse, but it sounds like a good connection to me.
#8
I only noticed it because we had this quiz thing at work the other day and we had to work out the kitchen equipment from this clue:

"You'd complain if you were tied to this".

Which was "wine rack".

I don't see how that was relevant.

I'd love to hear anything you get recorded btw.
#9
i love the continuation of the "bull" series, without compromising any of the impact that the titles of your pieces achieve. i have to say, you are a good writer man. - not just good, it seems like you're very careful, and "choosy", on the way you produce your work. i know it's kind of off subject but i feel like that should be taken into context.
i have to agree with jammy on the first stanza; like a breath of fresh air right after the first line. - probably my favorite out of this piece.
meh, i don't really see a reason to continue this comment, because it's all praise. good job.

if you want to - pity party.

thanks