#1
you sounded so funny
when you weren't really sayin' much at all
so to put it bluntly
I thought you were acting the fool
but you weren't
you weren't playin' a part
and when I figured it out
I had to stifle the laugh

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son
but temptation makes you forget

and do you fancy the chances
that ignorance is out on the pull
or maybe the lights will falter
and darkness makes you beautiful
you're mighty amusing
but even with that charm
you couldn't do much better
than be steadied by somebody's arm

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son

but temptation makes you forget

it wraps it's arms round your waist
or it would if they had the length
promises bouquets and chocolates
and day trips out to any place
that's on your list
of things to do before you die
and the perfect man for you
would take you by surprise

la la la la
la la la la

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son
but temptation makes you forget

you used to be so pretty
the classical kind without being vain
but now cracks are appearing
and those golden looks are losing acclaim
there's a rule that
you should probably abide
to stay in if your pick up line
leave's them splitting their sides
with laughter


Song. C4C. So tongue in cheek I bit it.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
Well, I really liked this piece. I'm fairly new to critiquing, though, but I'll try to help you out.

Quote by Jammydude44
you sounded so funny
when you weren't really sayin' much at all
so to put it bluntly
I must admit, I don't love that line. You could do better than that kind of filler right there.
I thought you were acting the fool
but you weren't
you weren't playin' a part
I'm not sure if I like the repetition of "you weren't" but I'm not sure what you could replace it with. I'd consider changing the first "you weren't" to some other line. Maybe that's just my personal preference.
and when I figured it out
I had to stifle the laugh

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son
but temptation makes you forget
Love this part. Great chorus.

and do you fancy the chances
that ignorance is out on the pull
I see where you're going with that line, but something about it just doesn't sit right. Maybe lose the word "that" and find a way to change the sentence slightly? Hmm.
or maybe the lights will falter
and darkness makes you beautiful
you're mighty amusing
but even with that charm
you couldn't do much better
than be steadied by somebody's arm
This part is just great. The last line seems a little too long, but I don't know if it needs to be shortened. Set to music, this would work fine.

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son

but temptation makes you forget

it wraps it's arms round your waist
or it would if they had the length
Yikes. This line was the first that jumped out at me when I read the piece. When I run into the pronoun "they" I'm still thinking of temptation - the "it" (if that makes sense). It took me a couple reads to understand. And instead of "had the length" maybe you could just say "were long enough"?
promises bouquets and chocolates
and day trips out to any place
that's on your list
of things to do before you die
and the perfect man for you
would take you by surprise
I wouldn't change anything there. Good stuff.

la la la la
la la la la

out to get some
but it's becoming oh so harder to get
love you've got a son
but temptation makes you forget

you used to be so pretty
the classical kind without being vain
Now I'm just being picky, but maybe you could say "classically" instead of "the classical kind". I think it would flow better.
but now cracks are appearing
and those golden looks are losing acclaim
there's a rule that
you should probably abide
to stay in if your pick up line
leave's them splitting their sides
with laughter
I like the message conveyed by the last 5 lines, but I don't like the way you've phrased it, particularly "you should probably abide". Just off the top of my head, I would say change this part to something like "There's a rule that / if your pick up line leaves / them splitting their sides / then you should probably stay in tonight." Not saying mine's any better, I just whipped it off the top of my head, but I think you could bring in in more of that direction - make the song end on a note about her staying in rather than a note about the laughter - because the staying in is a new concept but we've heard already about her being laughed at.


Song. C4C. So tongue in cheek I bit it.


Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece. It was easy to follow without being boring. Nice work. As for me, I don't have any songs posted yet, so consider this a free crit (and look for mine once I've got some posted).
#3
I enjoyed reading this piece. It had good flow and of course the humor I'm used to seeing from your writings. I especially, liked the chorus. "But temptation makes you forget" is an awesome line. Howver, I think you could do away with the first tow lines and start the piece at "When you acted the fool." The first four lines of the last stanza seem kind of unneccessary to me. Just the way those lines are presented seem too angry to me. Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Bottles and Mirrors
#4
Acousitc I'll definitely look out for ya, thanks for your time.

Joseph, ta man. I'm working on the flow and humour more, though I'm enjoying writing for my imaginary band in my head.