#1
This frozen hell
This bleeding song

Those dreams I left
All those nights are gone

That I can’t get back
It’s all never coming back


From up above the clouds
God was looking down on me

Knowing what would become of me
In this city.

Now let my tell you something
Coming from the wise
When ever you fall in love
You come out with bloody eyes


I wish I could go back in time,
And save me from these emotions of mine

My dreams are bleeding
They’re trying to make it through
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#2
Quote by ILoveGuitar07
This frozen hell
This bleeding song
Not bad, I think frozen hell isn't very original but that doesnt mean its bad...
Those dreams I left
All those nights are gone
Good it flows, gone and song isn't a terrible rhyme
That I can’t get back
It’s all never coming back
Good, the last line doesn't click very well, but there is again nothing particulary wrong with it.


From up above the clouds
God was looking down on me
Not bad.
Knowing what would become of me
In this city.
In this city is too short, and looks like it was put for a rhyme

Maybe:

Knowing what would become,
Of my life in the city.


Now let my tell you something
Coming from the wise
When ever you fall in love
You come out with bloody eyes
Not bad, a bit of a simplistic rhyme, but again not terrible.


I wish I could go back in time,
And save me from these emotions of mine
The rhyming pattern has gone. Again not bad.
My dreams are bleeding
They’re trying to make it through
Not bad ending.



It wasn't bad, but the thing is it wasn't good either. Its a well done subject which appeals to me very little and the rhyming was mainly too simplistic. You abandoned the rhyming scheme of A,B,C,B at the end. It started off flowing but went downhill and became more forced.

Put more effort into it, try not to go for simplistic rhyming patterns and then drop them, you don't have to rhyme. It just has to flow. Try doing a different subject something more original. I'm really sorry but I think the thing you lacked most was imagery.

Could you crit myn? It's in my sig.

I'm sorry but I didn't really like it, but I didn't hate it. It was just a little to simple.
O Hai der.
Last edited by TheThingKills at Apr 14, 2008,
#3
it doesnt seem complete; i think you need a chorus. i didnt like the line "now let me tell you something" it was kind of bland. this whole song seems like two verses of a song that should be three verses a chorus and a bridge. this song had some good moments too but if i were you i would let it sit for a month or two then come back to it when i had a better idea of what i was trying to say. anyway sorry if that was harsh

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=834400
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#4
I wrote this about 5 years ago. I just found it and i posted it.

I didn't like it so I thought I'd see what you guys would think.

It has no real structure as you have said and I agree.

I don't feel safe posting songs i've become attached to in fear of someone stealing them.

-I just thought I'd like to see what people have to say....and I'd have to say I agree and appreciate the constructive crit.
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