#1
felt polythane.
taste soap on my finger nails
while you speak of dead things.

lining coffee with cream.
rolling forks and knives.
simply castaways in an ocean of islands.
swimming our way to familiar shores.
my arms are sore, tired of salt
and still moving.
but he's stopped paddling.

a set of pale sunken eyes look up.
“did you ever meet him?”
my answer cues a story
about golf clubs and aspiration.
but my concentration is broken,
dreaming of being lost at sea.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Apr 14, 2008,
#2
I don't like it when you use sea imagery.

You use imagery far more effectively when you're dealing with the nitty-gritty stuff like the first stanza. It seems to suit you more and I find it far more intruiging.

Oceans and the like feel a bit lacking in your pieces. Those sort of big, natural images tend sound a bit flat. Like here, "oceans of islands" kinda sounded weak imo, and "sore, tired of salt" whilst good in it's execution is just a very boring because it doesn't really give anything unique to the image. That said, I guess oceans etc. can't really have much of a new angle taken on them but I guess that's why I much prefer the times you pick up on lesser-used and more interesting pictures.

The first two lines of the second stanza were good though. I guess that I just felt everything after that up until your togue-in-cheek last three lines was a bit lacking in spark and excitement.

Could you just take a look at the prose in my sig? I'd really value any input from you.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 14, 2008,