#1
Long time no write. Hope it's not too bad. C4C.


Green refractions of light run past the trees into my glass
and cut short.
Dissolved into the darker and more opaque tones
produced by the mix of orange juice and vodka.

Woody Allen would be so proud.
Here society is higher in the sky
than the clouds, we’re so special.
Everyone is terribly socialist,
so liberal, angelic,
I can’t believe I’m a part of this.
I would jump out of my suit with joy,
if it weren’t for my overly tight belt.

I could dance all night with the young woman
in front of me, vaguely reminiscent of all the
other ambiguous images of beauty in my mind.
I don’t remember.

Too bad that I’m so smooth, I forgot to iron my pants,
washed her dress with booze and lined her ears with bullshit.
#2
It gathered steam as i went through.

I thought the opening sentence was awfully worded and included poor syntax. It amost made me not read on, but I thought hey it's been a while.

The middle stanza; there was some definite fluff in it, the whole higher than the skies thing felt like it could have been clearer and cleverer (and "special" seemed very ordinary). The rest of that stanza was could be worded better I feel (by the way, your piece is overloaded with the word "so" that i suggest you find ways of avoiding them; elipsis my good man). "everyone is..." was good but "terribly" has negative connotations when you were using it in a different context; I'm not sure if I liked it there, and the negativiety seemed to clash in the next line "I can't believe..." That line in itself is remarkebly ambigous and I think in a good way (if you meant it). It can read either you're extrememly happy or you want to get out, which I though was clever. It goes well with the jumping out of suit idea in the next line, and all this ambiguity is well explored in...

Stanza three. I didn't like vaguely and ambigous in the same stanza, purely because it sounds far too much like you're explaining this which you are, but you want to do it more subtly). I love "ambigous images of beauty", and the bluntness of "I don't remember", which was honest and cooly done.

The last lines are good. "so" should stay here, should get rid of the billion (three) others. I think you're syntax is a bit messy at the end but it seems everytime I've tried to re-word it it sounds just as dodgy (in my ears). I really do like the ending lines though, however it does seem a bit awkwardly worded.

So, yeah. It got going once it had settled itself in, and I liked the ideas presented here. Just the things I picked up on, I think if you worked on this piece it could be pretty good.

Soooo... I have some prose up, I'd appreciate some words on it (by all means not alot). "Spring Blinds" in my sig. Or if you'd prefer something lighter then the other one. Thanks if you can make it round to one of them.

Oh, and keep writing. You can always see these glimmers of coolness in your writing but I feel it's yet to come completely together. So keep writing.

#4
Green refractions of light run past the trees into my glass
and cut short.
Dissolved into the darker and more opaque tones
produced by the mix of orange juice and vodka.

I agree with Jamie here, the first line is so wordy and elaborate it's untrue. I know I am one to talk but the diction just doesn't feel right. I'd probably look into re-writing the whole opening tbh, thinking more carefully about the diction. (I bolded parts I thought were way off.) I mean I like what you were aiming for, but the execution was its downfall.

Woody Allen would be so proud.
Here society is higher in the sky
than the clouds, we’re so special.
Semi-colon maybe?
Everyone is terribly socialist,
so liberal, angelic,
I can’t believe I’m a part of this.
I would jump out of my suit with joy,
if it weren’t for my overly tight belt.

"overly" stood out as weak to me. I kinda like this, the execution is more fluid and it reads well. The content is pretty strong too, if not slightly general. I'd also lose the elipsis of "I'm" and say I am, just for a more educated and forceful tone.

I could dance all night with the young woman
in front of me, vaguely reminiscent of all the
other ambiguous images of beauty in my mind.
I don’t remember.

Hmm wasn't a fan of this, nothing jumped out at me, there's nothing to detail her, as a result, allow us to gauge personality or looks. I'd be more specific here to try and stir some more emotions from the reader.

Too bad that I’m so smooth, I forgot to iron my pants,
washed her dress with booze and lined her ears with bull****.

Great little ending for me. I fail to see the pertinence of the middle larger stanza, if it's designed to provide a mis-en-scene or location it failed imo. I feel like you had the idea but seem distracted from it and so never really fully explored or developed the crutial parts. The odd description isn't pretentious despite what some might say.

Overall a steady piece that failed to deliver the punch till the very end.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
They pretty much nailed it. This started out much to slow to seem "solid" all the way through. The build-up gave it a nice feel though... and the ending was nice. It was just hard to pull through that first stanza (especially as a physicist... when you mention refraction... my mind goes on fun tangents). It was nice though.
-zC
#6
Hey Kyrl.

Saw this when you posted it but forgot to comment.

The way it was written was just ok, but the content was interesting. Perhaps the way in which you approached it was interesting because I don't think I can pick out a particular part of the story which interested me. It was just good.

The rhyming was a bit meh. Seemed a little contrived ('socialist', 'this', for example) but I liked some of your bastard rhymes. Don't know if they were intentional though. But yeah, think you'd benefit from keeping this generally non-rhymed and add in the occasional one, only when it feels natural.

Like always, I liked it.

ps. I disagree about the first stanza. I thought it was well done and felt like you; it wasn't over complicated or too wordy.

Got a series going at the moment. Bump would be appreciated on part 2.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=846069
Last edited by samoo at Apr 27, 2008,