#1
pity party.


a silent eulogy
for an unresolved
enmity; blood on the
walls of love
and beauty.
a misdemeanor changed,
to a quite defined
complexity;
when i get alzheimer's,
i hope i'm not screaming your name.

i laid upside-down on a vertical plain,
to see if the blood flow change
would affect my dreams;
these metaphorical lobotomies are
beginning to catch up with me...
so very many questions
that i've never stopped asking;
an emotional wilderness
that's now reached odyssey.

embracing the distance
between her eyes and my
stubborness, i can't reflect
anything besides cold rhetoric.
a sound of rapture
concludes my departure;
i faded the memories,
and danced with my loneliness
atop a familiar grave mark.

...


...you could find me praying
beside an alter of age.
the secular atmosphere;
conduit of change.
my ascension into boldness
was persuaded the same.
i feel no remorse;
i can't contend with
the shame.
the time,
the voices;
i'm lying with poise,
and dying without choice
into the resolutions of an exhausted infant,
perplexed by a longer story.
bury my secrets
with the name of my flesh;
i'm throwing feathers to the wind:
everything i confess.


man, i'm so depressing.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 15, 2008,
#4
Quote by ottoavist
pity party.


a silent eulogy
for an unresolved
enmity; blood on the
walls of love
and beauty.
a misdemeanor changed,
to a quite defined
complexity;
when i get alzheimer's,
i hope i'm not screaming your name.

i laid upside-down on a vertical plain,
to see if the blood flow change
would affect my dreams;
these metaphorical lobotomies are
beginning to catch up with me...
so very many questions
that i've never stopped asking;
an emotional wilderness
that's now reached odyssey.

embracing the distance
between her eyes and my
stubborness, i can't reflect
anything besides cold rhetoric.
a sound of rapture
concludes my departure;
i faded the memories,
and danced with my loneliness
atop a familiar grave marker.

...


...you could find me praying
beside an alter of age.
the secular atmosphere;
conduit of change.
my ascension into boldness
was persuaded the same.
i feel no remorse;
i can't contend with
the shame.
the time,
the voices;
i'm lying with poise,
and dying without choice
into the resolutions of an exhausted infant,
perplexed by a longer story.
bury my secrets
with the name of my flesh;
i'm throwing feathers to the wind:
everything i confess.


man, i'm so depressing.


Hmm.

Maybe I was bit hasty in the last one of yours I critiqued too.

I love everything about youur language, diction, rhythm and rhyme, assonance, one-liners that I adored, cute cynicilsm, a wondeful tongue-in-cheek tone to some parts, a very clever mix of witty colloquilism and more philosphical rambling.

But it didn't connect with me, for I felt nothing to be connected with.

It's like your idea of a girl, the most beautiful girl you can imagine and you know she goes to your school, you share lessons and she is in and around your friendship group.

But she's a cold hearted bitch who won't even talk to you.

You get my drift? This jumps round so many themes and images and one-liners and ideas that, as I said above, I can appreciate everything in seperate parts but all together I just cannot like this. It's so unrelatable I felt nothing at the end. Most the time I hardly knew what was happeneing.

sometimes, it almost feels liike your torn between using a wider vocab and writing about some deep ideas, other times it looks like your going with decent messages and themes with a slightly more colloquial style, then other times it's just writing to fill in the time.

cohesion, cohesion, cohesion, cohesion. Stem and leaf. Trunk and Branch. Everything has one central idea possibly with other parts/images that still relate to it, at least hinted, at the very least.

Maybe it's just me, (it usually is) but I just could not get that from here.

I do still appreciate your great knack for original rhyme and flow, and you have some crackingly good one liners here too.

I will be posting up another prosey sort of piece soon, if you could take a look at that when it's up in a couple of days. Thanks if you do.

Oh, and btw, name?
#5
perplexed by a longer story.


yeah, it's basically about the severing of ties to someone i shouldn't have, and hating myself for it.
i very much appreciate your critism; i didn't know how relatable the diction would make the piece, and i'm very glad you brought that up...it's kind of an experiment? i've been experimenting with alot of these things lately...

my name is Kent.

EDIT: i'll be looking for your up-and-comings.
#7
I was just critiquing thin then my ****ing computer froze. Oh well , here we go again. "a misdemeanor changed,to a quite defined complexity;" Those lines just seemed really awkward to me, like they were forced to fit the structure. (Also there's something about the phrase "quite defined" that just doesn't sit right with me). I also think the last line of the first stanza could use some shortening. In the second stanza, I would like to see a more descriptive word than "vertical plain". It just feels too bland to me. Now, I really liked the beginning of the last stanza, but I think there are a couple of lines towards the end that could use some changing. "dying without choice". Does anybody really have a choice whether or not they die? No. I felt that line was kind of unnecessary. Then the line after that I think I know what you meant by "exhausted infant", but I think you could find something that fits better. Anyways, I kinow I picked oput a l,ot of "flaws", but I did enjoy reading this piece. I'll be looking forward to reading more from you.
#8
thanks fellas. Zach, if you've got something you're posting pretty soon, just PM me, or let me know and i'll get to it. i think i got everyone else's...
#9
Quote by ottoavist
pity party.


a silent eulogy
for an unresolved
enmity; blood on the
walls of love
and beauty.
a misdemeanor changed,
to a quite defined
complexity;
when i get alzheimer's,
i hope i'm not screaming your name.

Ugh, there is such a huge impact in those last two lines. It's so stunningly amazing... and yet it has next to no effect because everything proceeding it is meh. There were some ok ideas in there... but the stanza as a whole comes off as weak. Silent Euology is amusing and neat... but everything else just seems... poor. The walls of love/beauty thing was cheesy. Lyrically, this read ok... and there is merit in that, but I can't forgive the fact that those last two lines were buried beneath a sea of mundane poeticism.


i laid upside-down on a vertical plain,
to see if the blood flow change
would affect my dreams;
these metaphorical lobotomies are
beginning to catch up with me...
so very many questions
that i've never stopped asking;
an emotional wilderness
that's now reached odyssey.

Again, wonderfulness surrounded by weakness. Drop the last 4 lines and this is a solid stanza. When you jump into that "solid ideas" part of the stanza, you completely change the tone and feel and its so drastic that its unappealing. BEyond that, those last 4 lines are just bland. They don't add anything to the beautiful imagery you've already painted.

embracing the distance
between her eyes and my
stubborness, i can't reflect
anything besides cold rhetoric.
a sound of rapture
concludes my departure;
i faded the memories,
and danced with my loneliness
atop a familiar grave mark.

Again, this is another piece that I feel is a bit too disconnected. You are jumping through ideas like a dog jumpiung through hoops. It seems you are sprinting between ideas and not giving us enough to truly appreciate any of them. Oh, and capitalize 'I' damnit. To be honest, this stanza seemed terribly forced to me. The imagery wasn't as complete or groundbreaking... it just seemed like you had half an idea and started it, but didn't know how to finish it. So you had like one decent line of thought and the rest was filler.

...


...you could find me praying
beside an alter of age.
the secular atmosphere;
conduit of change.
my ascension into boldness
was persuaded the same.
i feel no remorse;
i can't contend with
the shame.
the time,
the voices;
i'm lying with poise,
and dying without choice
into the resolutions of an exhausted infant,
perplexed by a longer story.
bury my secrets
with the name of my flesh;
i'm throwing feathers to the wind:
everything i confess.

This was the thing I've been waiting for... your one amazing section. I knew it would be here somewhere. You have quite the talent for the lyrical aspect of poetry. You create such a good tone and rhythm... This could stand alone, and would be a much more solid piece that way.




Like Jamie said, this feels too broken. You need to focus your ideas more or explain better what you are saying in each one.

Not a bad read, and that last section was impressive. Allow me to reiterate my thing about surrounding one good section with weak stuff. You're getting there, this was a bit more solid than the last one... especially in the "weak parts."

I'll let you know when I get a new one.

-zC
#10
thank you so much for the full crit, man. next time you post, i'm gonna rip 'er ta shreds, lol.

yes, i will admit that the third stanza was a little forced; but i just couldn't let the poem go to the last section without it - i had to let the reader know that at this point, i'm completely alone, and it's taking me to the grave.

but you're right dammit, i've been letting my pieces get "detached" from the reader...
i think i'm getting too focused on the technique?

oh, and you know i can't capitalize; dat's miy mofukin traydmark, homie.
#11
I liked this a lot. Your flow is always amazing, I wish I could do that.

I didn't think it was "detached". I got something out of it and even if some people didn't, that's not your problem, it's theirs.