#1


it's dark and there are stars
a few streaky clouds shining
with the silver light of the moon
the highest green of the golf course
that drapes itself across the studland hills
shirt sleeves rolled up
wind pinching cold at my skin
i'm dancing with a robotic woman
she's older than the earth.
but damn
she can move
gracefull
confident on the damp grass
her natural tones hiding
circuitry no man could ever fathom
levers and valves
so much metal
i try not to think about it
watch the flickering lights of the bay
over her shoulder
we move in the silence
broken only by the wind
harassing leaves
whistling past our ears
before moving on to scenes less sad.
i envy it
and there are tears in my eyes
as i draw her closer
bury my face in her neck
try to breathe her in
lower my hands on her back
hold her tighter
as i open the panel on her spine
feel her stiffen with a sudden fear
of the man she loves
hear her sob as i reach gently in
wrap my fingers around wires
and she holds me tight
i start ripping at them
tearing and breaking with abandon
she's shaking in my arms
limbs jerking and there are sparks
lighting up the scenery
flashes of blue
and then she's gone
dead
or something like it.
there's a light rain washing my face
and hers
as i lay her down
no more life in her eyes
no smile on her lips
i leave her there
with the rain
and the view
and the silence.





love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Apr 14, 2008,
#4


Quite possibly the most atmospheric piece I've read of yours. Top-notch imagery along with some very solid word choices (stiffen, tearing, harassing, older than the earth) really made this piece.

Some parts hurt the flow (the tacked on "and hers" and the five hers in five lines near the end, which put just a little bit too much focus on her character when the ending emphasises the scene, so I'd say try and not be like herherherherher this, maybe more just her her and then this, if you get what I mean.

A very, very good read with an awesome ending. I very much dug this one Chris.
#6
Question on your technique - do oyu go back to revise your pieces? Or is it anything people bring up or advice they give, do you take it to future pieces?
#7

Once it's on paper I never really change it. More out of lethergy than anything. The way I see it if there's anything wrong with this one I can always write a better one sometime. But advice does get listened to and considered and remembered.




love is a dog from hell.



#9
perfectly ****ed pop

where R the blood and the rotten corpses??
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