#1
EDIT: SEE BELOW FOR UPDATED VERSION OF THE SONG

Crit or comment, leave a link, and I'll return the crit in a day or two.

Hey, I wrote this in my Biology class 'cause my teacher's senile.
I kind of like it (it's intense) It's an angry song I suppose, but I think I could use some suggestions - some of the lines seem kind of cheesy to me

Please feel free
Oh and just for clarification, after the guitar solo it switches viewpoint


The End of Your World
by The Decline

Verse 1:
A tiny little nation’s starting to make a fuss…
we’re gonna kill 'em all, 'cause they're different than us
We're gonna move, we're gonna strike 'em first...
get ready fast, the bubble's going to burst

They're nothin' more than a Nation of tools,
We'll have to teach 'em to abide by our rules.
Don't even ask, man, I don't know why.
But hey, it doesn't matter 'cause they're all gonna die!

Chorus 1:
NOW - YOU'RE - F**KED!
(Don't wanna say it...
But bow your heads because you know that it's true)

NOW - YOU'RE - F**KED!
(You're gonna say it!
Get on your knees because we're comin' through!)


They know they're screwed, their mouths are gapin'
The world will know we're f**kin' rapin'
'Cause we are here and you are gonna know

Now you can hear the babies cryin'
Houses burning, bodies flyin'
'Cause we are here and you are gonna know

*Insert screaming guitar solo

Verse 2:
Hey, little kid, can't you see the smoke?
The soldiers came, and they're seemin' provoked.
I don't think that we can ever return -
Cause our whole world's gonna f**kin' burn!

Hey, little kid, now you listen to me:
you're gonna run through the hills until you think that you're free
Try not to think your friends are all gonna die,
Cause if you stop you'll get Crucified!

Chorus 2:
NOW - WE'RE - F**KED!
(And we can feel it...
I don't know why, but it's the end of our world)


NOW - WE'RE - F**KED!
(And you can see it...
With just a glance you know that Hell has unfurled.)

Come with me now, the bl**d is rainin'
And you can hear the people sayin'
The men have come and we have got to go

Sheild your head theres bullets flyin',
So step between the bodies dyin',
The men have come and we have got to go.

Outro:
We just want to live in peace, we just want to be alone
Why can’t you let us live? ‘cause we’ve got no other home.
We just want the suffering to move and pass us by
Please leave us, by ourselves, man we don’t want to die.
Last edited by M-D at May 3, 2008,
#3
EDIT: I didn't like this post so i deleted it.
Last edited by M-D at Apr 29, 2008,
#5
I read it a few times and each time the thought of war on terror and troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Like you said, its a very angry piece with some aggressive language, and throughout the structure remains the same with similar rhymes and theme.

The only point i can suggest is making more of a narrative and work more on detail.

I think a good way of thinking of poet is 'observationist'

Note the small details that make the big impacts.

Thanks for helping me with my piece, keep it up !
#6
So maybe I can put in some irony about "the troops have come to stop the " maybe i can exchange some of the first lines with that

Is it a good thing that the structure stays pretty much the same?
In the instrumental part there's a key change after the solo, to emphasize the change
#7
Yea, i too thought of the war against terrorism or whatever the hell we are doing over there. Its a really angry piece which is what i like. Is the first line of the chorus screamed? It seems like it would be, even though you said you hate screaming. I really liked the imagery and metaphor. Its a really good song. I wish i could hear a recording.

They know they're screwed, their mouths are gapin'
The world will know we're f**kin' rapin'
'Cause we are here and you are gonna know
^that was my favorite stanza. At first i didn't think that the third line was a good idea, but after i read the song a couple times i really like it.

Thanks for the help on mine. Nice job on yours. Keep up the good work.
#8
Crit or comment, leave a link, and I'll return the crit in a day or two.

---

Thanks for the comments. I made some big changes to the song, and since its already near the top, I figured it'd be okay to just put it as a reply rather than an edit. (Besides, the rules say you can... right?)
Random st*rs are because my computer won't otherwise let me type in the word.

FYI the "NOW - YOU'RE - F*CKED!" part is yelled [not screamed! ], and the line "you're gonna say it!" is yelled, but softer.

so, here it is

The End of Your World
by The Dawn (Yeah, name change)

Things were goin’ fine but now we’re breakin’ the trust -
gotta kill 'em all, 'cause they're different than us
We're gonna move, we're gonna strike 'em first...
get ready fast, the bubble's going to burst

They’re not so human as they’re bloated slugs,
Extermination is our way to destroy these bugs.
Don't even ask, man, I don't know why.
But hey, it doesn't matter 'cause they're all gonna die!

NOW - YOU'RE F*CKED!
(Don't wanna say it...
But bow your heads because you know that it's true)

NOW - YOU'RE - F*CKED!
(You're gonna say it!
Get on your knees because we're comin' through!)

They know they're screwed, their mouths are gapin'
The world will know we're f*ckin' rapin'
'Cause we are here and you are gonna know

Now you can hear the babies cryin'
Houses burning, bodies flyin'
'Cause we are here and you are gonna know

Hey, little kid, can't you see the smoke?
The soldiers came, and they're seemin' provoked.
If we leave now, then we can never return;
‘Cause our whole world’s about to f*ckin’ burn

We tried to push the fear all down beneath our skin,
But now it’s burning us away from deep within.
And none of us can cry about this genocide,
‘Cause if we’re ever caught we’ll get crucified!

NOW - WE'RE - F*CKED!
(And we can feel it...
I don't know why, but it's the end of our world)

NOW - WE'RE - F*CKED!
(And you can see it...
With just a glance you know that Hell has unfurled.)

Sheild your head theres bullets flyin',
So step between the bodies dyin',
The men have come and we have got to go.

Come with me now, the bl**d is rainin'
And you can hear the people sayin'
The men have come and we have got to go

We just want to live in peace, we just want to be alone
Why can’t you let us live? ‘cause we’ve got no other home.
We just want the suffering to move and pass us by
Please leave us, by ourselves, man we don’t want to die.

Ahahaha, you’re so F*CKED
Last edited by M-D at May 3, 2008,