#1
So I'm sitting in debate class today, and we're doing this grand old debate about the death penalty. I wasn't selected to debate today, so I was to sit in my desk and listen to people debate for 90 minutes straight. *yawn* so I decided to write a song about it. I kinda envisioned it at a fast rock/thrash song, if that helps at all.

I'm not a fantastic lyricist by any means, but I'm trying to improve. Please, post any comments...especially constructive criticism. Thanks.

Frosaken

Sands slip through the hourglass
Time is running low
Hands beat on these iron bars
Please, God! Let me go!

Trapped here on the longest mile
No reason left to live
Alone I contemplate my fate
The heartless don’t forgive

Take my hand
Leave your soul
Watch and see
Your living hell unfold

Die as you lived
And let no one forget
The lives that you have taken
Left alone
Barely flesh and bones

You are forsaken

Nothing left but death behind me
It’s all these eyes have known
Surely the abyss awaits me
It chills me to the bone!

Take my hand
Leave your soul
Watch and see
Your living hell unfold

Die as you lived
And let no one forget
The lives that you have taken
Left alone
Barely flesh and bones

You are forsaken

Clothed in uniforms of “justice”
Living evils tread
All semblance of humanity
Is driven from their heads

Ten minutes ‘til the stroke of doom
Time to pay me dues
Made to kneel and beg for mercy
If you only knew!

Take my hand
Leave your soul
Watch and see
Your living hell unfold

Die as you lived
And let no one forget
The lives that you have taken
Left alone
Barely flesh and bones

You are forsaken
#2
I kind of like this, truth be told. It's got a good flow to it, and it tackles the subject in a different sort of way. I really can't think of much to say...I enjoyed how you occasionally utilized the ABAB rhyme scheme, but then occasionally broke it... this made it a much more interesting read.

Overall good job! Perhaps if I post something new you can leave me a comment? I'll PM you if I get somethin' up, which will probably happen soon.
#3
Nicce jobb man.

I think a nice dark slow for parts, with a little faster contrast would work great.

Love the lyrics, very powerful but not wicked political either.
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#4
Thanks you guys.

To XxGibsonSGxX: I'll definitely comment on your works. Just PM me when you get one up.

To otherkid: Thanks man. I was contemplating some parts with a half-time feel or some slower tempo, and now I'll seriously consider it.

Thanks again you two