#1
I stared at the girl next to me
She called me her best friend
How her long, silky blonde hair shined
How I wished I could tell her
I wish you where mine

She asked for some good news
I sang her a sweet song
She gave me a kiss on the cheek
I wanted to tell her
I wish you where mine


One night my phone rang
I knew it had to be her
She was in tears about her love that went wrong
She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone
I wanted to tell her over the phone
How I wish she where mine

I sat next to her on the sofa
I stared at her soft eyes
Wishing she was mine
A few hours later
She decided to go to sleep
How I wish she would be mine


I sit in the pews of the church
She was getting married in now
I watched her say 'I do' and drive off to her new life
Married to another man
I wanted her to be mine

I looked down at the coffin
Of a girl who used to be my best friend
At the service they read a diary entry
She had wrote in her high school years
I heard the last line as it was read aloud
'I stare at him wishing he was mine’
#2
Did you by chance get the idea for this from a myspace bulletin?
Either way, i love it.
#4
I got the basic Idea from a myspace bulleten but I thaught idea would make a good song. don't worry you won't die if you don't repost in 34 seconds lol. I think it might be an interesting story to tell if some one asked what it was about. actuly it reminded me of a girl I knew in highschool that liked me that died in a drinking a driving accedent. that made me want to make a song out of the ideas.
#6
Really beautiful..
In the corner beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason
I'd never notice a memory that could hold me back

Siis mitä häh?
#8
Quote by Gregoriose
I got the basic Idea from a myspace bulleten but I thaught idea would make a good song. don't worry you won't die if you don't repost in 34 seconds lol.



LMFAO!!!!!!!!ROFL!!!!!


sorry that was funny

but really that was a great song i really felt it in my stomach.


crit mine please? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=839286
#9
hey man thanks. the link said the page can't be found. but I found it and commented by looking at you profile.

edit: I'm thinking about droping the last verse. the death part. and making it like a fond sort of memmory song. not sure if I should or not. what do you guys think?
Last edited by Gregoriose at Apr 19, 2008,
#10
Quote by Gregoriose
hey man thanks. the link said the page can't be found. but I found it and commented by looking at you profile.

edit: I'm thinking about droping the last verse. the death part. and making it like a fond sort of memmory song. not sure if I should or not. what do you guys think?

I'm not sure thats a tough one. I guess I wouldn't cause well people seem to like it as is.
#11
Quote by Gregoriose
I stared at the girl next to me
She called me her best friend
How her long, silky blonde hair shined
How I wished I could tell her
I wish you were mine

I like it. Simple. I'm not sure about the 3rd line, it seems a bit too wordy.

She asked for some good news
I sang her a sweet song
She gave me a kiss on the cheek
I wanted to tell her
I wish you were mine

'I sang her a sweet song'. I don't really understand what your saying here, she wants some good news so you sing to her?

One night my phone rang
I knew it had to be her
She was in tears about her love that went wrong
She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone
I wanted to tell her over the phone
How I wish she were mine

I like it again, except I think it'd be better if you cut some words out of the 3rd and 4th line. Eg. She asked me to come over, she didn't want to be alone. To me that would the entire verse a better rhythm.

I sat next to her on the sofa
I stared at her soft eyes
Wishing she was mine
A few hours later
She decided to go to sleep
How I wish she would be mine

Great verse, not sure about the line 'She decided to go to sleep'. Decided doesn't seem the right word, it seems too calculated.

I sit in the pews of the church
She was getting married in now
I watched her say 'I do' and drive off to her new life
Married to another man
I wanted her to be mine

The second line is badly phrased, I assume you mean your sitting in the pews of the church she's getting married in, the 'in now' just doesn't fit. I don't have any rectifications just an observation

I looked down at the coffin
Of a girl who used to be my best friend
At the service they read a diary entry
She had wrote in her high school years
I heard the last line as it was read aloud
'I stare at him wishing he was mine’

Touching ending


Overall, I liked it. There are a few places I feel that you could improve upon slightly but it is a very solid ballad.

I'd give it a 7.5/10

Of course, these are just my opinions so feel free to ignore them
#12
Quote by Grundy0
Overall, I liked it. There are a few places I feel that you could improve upon slightly but it is a very solid ballad.

I'd give it a 7.5/10

Of course, these are just my opinions so feel free to ignore them

thanks those are really good touches. and the rating I dea is very helpful. those are simple chages that work really well. thanks.