#1
1st draft of something I have just written in work. Had music to it previously but no lyrics until now.

All the days blurr into one,
In the shadow of the sun,
You know your not the only one,
Who just aint getiing along.

Is your life getting you down,
Living your life down on the ground,
Just paint your picture on the wall,
You'll be a slave no more.

You life is free now outside your cage,
Things have never been this great,
You have your freedom hold it near,
The thought of loss breeds dread and fear
Fender P Bass Mex

Guitar Set Up
Fender Strat Mex (Modded)
Toadwords Leo Jr
Vox Wah V847
Electro Harmonix LBP-1
Line 6 FM4
Boss DD-20
TC Electronic Tuner
Orange Tiny Terror(ist)


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www.asparagusnow.com
#2
Quote by bonzo_lives
1st draft of something I have just written in work. Had music to it previously but no lyrics until now.

All the days blurr into one,
In the shadow of the sun,
You know your not the only one,
Who just aint getiing along.

I like this alot, but line 3: your = you're, and aint=ain't/aren't
Is your life getting you down,
Living your life down on the ground,
Just paint your picture on the wall,
You'll be a slave no more.

This is neat, but I'd remove down in the second line or get a new word replacement.
You life is free now outside your cage,
Things have never been this great,
You have your freedom hold it near,
The thought of loss breeds dread and fear

This was well done too, but I didn't really like the end. I feel that it would have been better with an indirect rhyme than just a standard rhyme. Perhaps cut it off at "dread".


I liked this alot, as songs pertaining to freedom really are my style and this is one of 'em. Obviously you don't need to listen to me:P Maybe consider what I have suggested though?

If you could, maybe comment on my poem "Things" in my sig. Thanks, man.