#1
There was something about her that made me think she wanted me. Maybe it was the dark blue patch on her thong or maybe it was something in her eyes. One or the other had reasoned enough with my subconscious, in so much that I now found myself at her feet, scrabbling at her legs to help me up. I was batted away with the back of her hand, so hard I may have flown across the room, I don't know. The last thing I remembered was her very clearly saying that she would never, ever shag me as long as we both shall live. With that sentence now being firmly rooted in my mind, I proceeded to fantasise about her in the half-asleep way men sometimes do. I concluded she was obviously just playing a bit hard to get.

Morning came sooner than I had wished. The sunlight was too harsh, the birds too loud, the surroundings too unfamiliar. In another universe I would've probably wondered out without a word to anyone. Luckily for fate I stumbled into the same girl who'd threw me ten foot or so the night before. I mumbled an awkward hello, and it was then that I realised she didn't have the faintest idea who I was, or that she had sculpted my left cheek with four skinny knuckles. She actually attempted to tend to my wounds with cotton wool and a fistful of plasters, something that couldn't have felt more romantic had there been candlelight.

We left the place together after thanking whoever had been the host, and walked up to the point on the street where her parents were going to pick her up. She eventualy asked me to wait with her, and my fingers managed to relax. I felt like I should flash a toothy smile at her, which was rather daring for someone usually so shy about such public displays of affection. I managed to summon up the courage, anyhow, and gave her a wide one, a pearler, and she returned a similar smile back. For just a second, the traffic wasn't running past, the world's population hid and I even saw a lone worm slide back behind a crack in the pavement. Then hell rose up from the ground.

Two drunks threw air shots at each other in an alcohol-induced argument. A pair of old women shouted imperitives after a thieving scoundrel who'd nicked one of their handbags. A car alarm screamed over the shatter of its windscreen as a different tearaway took the wheel. It took some time before I snapped back into manual gear. Bewilderingly, the girl had gone, and I had no idea where or how. Then something less predictable happened; my mother appeared from the darkness of the alleyway on the other side of the road and into the sunshine. She crossed over and put her arm round me in a consoling-ike way, and without a word, gently pulled my head onto her shoulder. Looking down, I noticed my hands were rough, blue-collared, and the left one bore a wedding ring. I told my Mum I was confused, and she just nodded, said it was to be expected, and that we all thought she was a bit of a dodgy one.

Later that day, in the early evening, I found myself lying down in bed. I was cold, motionless, and possibly losing it. I tried to make sense of what had happened yesterday, or last year or however long ago it had been, tempting my mind with snippets of self-created smut in return for some understanding or explanation. I got neither, and it remained that way until I finally drifted off into a deep sleep, letting my subconscious do the thinking.


Let me know what you think. C4C, the deeper you go the deeper I will.
Also, please let me know if I missed you from my last round of critiques.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 15, 2008,
#2
Again, a fantastic piece of writing.

I think it could do with you critiquing it, personally. Read over it, because I know (if this was my work, for instance) some parts of that would get ripped apart by you.

The ending is hanging between excellent and awful, for me. The whole writing seems a little unsteady.. some of the phrasing. I cant' really explain, but there are parts that make me not relax when i'm reading it (in a bad way, i'm expecting some kind of error in the writing, a missed word or something, the flow's kind of off at times).

I don't know, I have a terrible hangover. What i'm basically saying was this was great, but it could do with a bit of re-touching.

Sorry for being confusing.
#3
Between excellent and awful? so it's okay then? Satisfactory?

Lol, perhaps this could do with another revision. The phrasing and wording has been a pretty big job for me to work out and I realise it is a little ropey.

Thanks man.
#4
It's not a big job, infact i'll come back when i've got a few minutes today and tell you exactly what i felt.

And nah, not satisfactory, because it has two many peaks and drops. It's not like it's all mediocre, there are fantastic parts and then weak parts, I thought. All you need to do is re-word a few things that kind of destroy the feel.

Be back soon.
#5

I'm swinging like a drunk pendulum over this, all out of time. I liked it for how weird it was, how crazy. But there are some parts that just didn't read so well, I don't know what that was but I think it's the same thing skag felt.




love is a dog from hell.



#6
let me start off by saying that this was great; wonderful concept.

i'm going to agree with skagitup to a certain extent, but i'm not going to use the word "unsteady" for your writing. i'd say...."naked?" i don't know...i loved the last piece, and i think i kind of expected to get more from this than what i did. i seen many different paths that could've been taken to a more descriptive affect.(i don't think there's really any need here for in-depth elaboration, i'm sure you get the idea.)

meh, i'm probably just being too picky. :rolls eyes:

irregardless, i really liked it. human perception is a favorite topic of mine to write about, and i love to hear how it's conveyed by other people.

by the way, thank you for your comment on my piece.
#7
There was something about her that made me think she wanted me. Maybe it was the dark blue patch on her thong or maybe it was something in her eyes. One or the other had reasoned enough with my subconscious, in so much that I now found myself at her feet, scrabbling at her legs to help me up. I was batted away with the back of her hand, so hard I may have flown across the room, I don't know. The last thing I remembered was her very clearly saying that she would never, ever shag me as long as we both shall live. With that sentence now being firmly rooted in my mind, I proceeded to fantasise about her in the half-asleep way men sometimes do. I concluded she was obviously just playing a bit hard to get.


Judging only by the language and the way the topic has been approached, I'd have to guess that this is slightly tongue-in-cheek. The 'blue-patch' was a nice evocative image to summon up and overall this segment read really well. The last line managed to make me want to read on, which is always good.

Morning came sooner than I had wished. The sunlight was too harsh, the birds too loud, the surroundings too unfamiliar. In another universe I would've probably wondered out without a word to anyone. Luckily for fate I stumbled into the same girl who'd threw me ten foot or so the night before. I mumbled an awkward hello, and it was then that I realised she didn't have the faintest idea who I was, or that she had sculpted my left cheek with four skinny knuckles. She actually attempted to tend to my wounds with cotton wool and a fistful of plasters, something that couldn't have felt more romantic had there been candlelight.


Nice group of three in the second sentence, but I'd have framed it differently to try and get away from the lagging narrative feel of it. Perhaps have it like this:

The sunlight was too harsh, the birds too loud, the surroundings too unfamiliar; morning came sooner than I had wished.

But that may well be due to my fascination with odd syntax. Bar that, I really liked this stanza. Although it seemed to jump a bit, the last line held it in place beautifully.

We left the place together after thanking whoever had been the host, and walked up to the point on the street where her parents were going to pick her up. She eventualy asked me to wait with her, and my fingers managed to relax. I felt like I should flash a toothy smile at her, which was rather daring for someone usually so shy about such public displays of affection. I managed to summon up the courage, anyhow, and gave her a wide one, a pearler, and she returned a similar smile back. For just a second, the traffic wasn't running past, the world's population hid and I even saw a lone worm slide back behind a crack in the pavement. Then hell rose up from the ground.


Cool. Major contrast between calm and calamity.

Two drunks threw air shots at each other in an alcohol-induced argument. A pair of old women shouted imperitives after a thieving scoundrel who'd nicked one of their handbags. A car alarm screamed over the shatter of its windscreen as a different tearaway took the wheel. It took some time before I snapped back into manual gear. Bewilderingly, the girl had gone, and I had no idea where or how. Then something less predictable happened; my mother appeared from the darkness of the alleyway on the other side of the road and into the sunshine. She crossed over and put her arm round me in a consoling-ike way, and without a word, gently pulled my head onto her shoulder. Looking down, I noticed my hands were rough, blue-collared, and the left one bore a wedding ring. I told my Mum I was confused, and she just nodded, said it was to be expected, and that we all thought she was a bit of a dodgy one.


Slightly confusing, but I assume that was intentional. A rush of events seems to have occured, the girl is lost and you feel as if you were in a 'cheap' relationship? A young marriage, a blue-colar lifestyle, etc?

Later that day, in the early evening, I found myself lying down in bed. I was cold, motionless, and possibly losing it. I tried to make sense of what had happened yesterday, or last year or however long ago it had been, tempting my mind with snippets of self-created smut in return for some understanding or explanation. I got neither, and it remained that way until I finally drifted off into a deep sleep, letting my subconscious do the thinking.


Not too sure on the ending at the moment. I'll re read it later, but right now I have to rush and get to training.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
There was something about her that made me think she wanted me. Maybe it was the dark blue patch on her thong or maybe it was something in her eyes. One or the other had reasoned enough with my subconscious, in so much that I now found myself at her feet, scrabbling at her legs to help me up. I was batted away with the back of her hand, so hard I may have flown across the room, I don't know. The last thing I remembered was her very clearly saying that she would never, ever shag me as long as we both shall live. With that sentence now being firmly rooted in my mind, I proceeded to fantasise about her in the half-asleep way men sometimes do. I concluded she was obviously just playing a bit hard to get.

Morning came sooner than I had wished. The sunlight was too harsh, the birds too loud, the surroundings too unfamiliar. In another universe I would've probably wondered out without a word to anyone. Luckily for fate I stumbled into the same girl who'd threw me ten foot or so the night before. I mumbled an awkward hello, and it was then that I realised she didn't have the faintest idea who I was, or that she had sculpted my left cheek with four skinny knuckles. She actually attempted to tend to my wounds with cotton wool and a fistful of plasters, something that couldn't have felt more romantic had there been candlelight.

We left the place together after thanking whoever had been the host, and walked up to the point on the street where her parents were going to pick her up. She eventualy asked me to wait with her, and my fingers managed to relax. I felt like I should flash a toothy smile at her, which was rather daring for someone usually so shy about such public displays of affection. I managed to summon up the courage, anyhow, and gave her a wide one - a pearler - and she returned a similar smile back. For just a second, the traffic wasn't running past, the world's population hid and I even saw a lone worm slide back behind a crack in the pavement. Then hell rose up from the ground.

Two drunks threw air shots at each other in an alcohol-induced argument. A pair of old women shouted imperitives after a thieving scoundrel who'd nicked one of their handbags. A car alarm screamed over the shatter of its windscreen as a different tearaway took the wheel. It took some time before I snapped back into manual gear. Bewilderingly, the girl had gone, and I had no idea where or how. Then something less predictable happened; my mother appeared from the darkness of the alleyway on the other side of the road and into the sunshine. She crossed over and put her arm round me in a consoling-ike way, and without a word, gently pulled my head onto her shoulder. Looking down, I noticed my hands were rough, blue-collared, and the left one bore a wedding ring. I told my Mum I was confused, and she just nodded, said it was to be expected, and that we all thought she was a bit of a dodgy one.

Later that day, in the early evening, I found myself lying down in bed. I was cold, motionless, and possibly losing it. I tried to make sense of what had happened yesterday, or last year or however long ago it had been, tempting my mind with snippets of self-created smut in return for some understanding or explanation. I got neither, and it remained that way until I finally drifted off into a deep sleep, letting my subconscious do the thinking.



things i didn't like are in red.

you appear to have a comma fetish.

one part, i though "-" would have worked better than more ",".

another part, why "universe" when the common phrase is "world". would of been so much easier for the reader.

All of those things are small things, but when you add them up it makes for quite a bit of discomfort.

pff, i'll probably be back again. can't put my finger on this.
#9
eh, I tried to stay away from what the reader expected.

That's why it's also "hell rose up from the ground" than "all hell broke loose".

Maybe there's better ways I couuld phrase them.

I think I know what you're getting at anyway. With practice I'm hoping my voice/tone will develop and mature. Here it feels a bit too satirical, a bit to "poppy" if you will. It's almost too tongue in cheek and cynical. I think.

Hey, I critted myself. I owe me one.
#10
if you're going to go away from what the reader expects, then go AWAY from what the reader expects, don't just replace world with universe, and hell broke loose with hell rose up. Replace world with carton of keyboard and all hell broke loose with charlie dimmock appeared wearing sweatsocks and reciting the asian translation of "One last Look towards the wind" by Edward Racklesimmer.
#12
What. the. ****. I though you were permanently banned Michael? (I think thats what your name was) or Glenn? One of the two.

Oh, and sorry I didnt get to your last one Jamiez, I'll get to one of them eventually.
Last edited by #1 synth at Apr 15, 2008,
#13
Quote by #1 synth
What. the. ****. I though you were permanently banned Michael? (I think thats what your name was) or Glenn? One of the two.

Oh, and sorry I didnt get to your last one Jamiez, I'll get to one of them eventually.


I thought it was Glenn/Conor?

Idk, I asked him and I just got burnt

Thanks Alex for the input, much appreciated.
#14
I dont think I'm qualified to critique this. So I'll just say my thoughts.

I love everything. Except the ending. I don't like the dream idea. It always seems like a cop out.
I would also recommend getting rid ofthe italisized part at the end. It also ruined it for me. I hated the "dream" ending, and then I read the italized part and realized "Oh, he was going for a dream thing. I wish I didn't know that or I would have loved this with a different ending."

just my 2cents


P.S don't worry about a return crit. I think I owe you anyway
#15
This is one of the better pieces I have seen up here. It reads like a short story, and has a lot of substance to it. Normally I do not like the idea of having a dream sequence(just like bluesybilly had said), but it worked well. More of a fade then just bluntly saying "And then I woke up" like I see many people do in this forum. This line really stuck out... "Looking down, I noticed my hands were rough, blue-collared, and the left one bore a wedding ring." It happens to so many people it is almost like a universal theme. You get a decent job paying you a good salary, but nothing more ever comes of it. I'm unsure if you are from the U.S, but that is pretty much the american dream. Too me it never felt like something to be proud of. That's what I got out of it anyway. Nice job, I enjoyed it.
#16
There is no real dream sequence here, nothing is a dream in this. It just ends with the narrator going into one.

Oh, and I'm British

Thanks guys for your comments. I've got something way longer ready to post soon (in my blog if anyones interested, first draft anyway.)
#18
Quote by Jammydude44
There was something about her that made me think she wanted me. Maybe it was the dark blue patch on her thong or maybe it was something in her eyes. One or the other had reasoned enough with my subconscious, in so much that I now found myself at her feet, scrabbling at her legs to help me up. I was batted away with the back of her hand, so hard I may have flown across the room, I don't know. The last thing I remembered was her very clearly saying that she would never, ever shag me as long as we both shall live. With that sentence now being firmly rooted in my mind, I proceeded to fantasise about her in the half-asleep way men sometimes do. I concluded she was obviously just playing a bit hard to get.

Didn't you start the last story of yours that I read with the same two lines? Haha. It totally threw me off when it wasn't the same story anymore. Moving on...this is a really strong first paragraph, but I don't like the last line. The "obviously" throws it off somehow. I guess the "I concluded" also just starts it off oddly, makes it feel like it doesn't fit there at all. Oh, and I don't like "proceeded to fantasise" in the line before it. "Proceeded" would be better replaced by "began"...and it's fantasize, not "fantasise".
Quote by Jammydude44
Morning came sooner than I had wished. The sunlight was too harsh, the birds too loud, the surroundings too unfamiliar. In another universe I would've probably wondered out without a word to anyone. Luckily for fate I stumbled into the same girl who'd threw me ten foot or so the night before. I mumbled an awkward hello, and it was then that I realised she didn't have the faintest idea who I was, or that she had sculpted my left cheek with four skinny knuckles. She actually attempted to tend to my wounds with cotton wool and a fistful of plasters, something that couldn't have felt more romantic had there been candlelight.

Love the last two sentences. You've got a few spelling/usage errors: "wondered" should be wandered; "realised" should be realized; "had threw" should be had thrown. "Luckily for fate"...? What does that even mean?
Quote by Jammydude44
We left the place together after thanking whoever had been the host, and walked up to the point on the street where her parents were going to pick her up. She eventually asked me to wait with her, and my fingers managed to relax. I felt like I should flash a toothy smile at her, which was rather daring for someone usually so shy about such public displays of affection. I managed to summon up the courage, anyhow, and gave her a wide one, a pearler, and she returned a similar smile back. For just a second, the traffic wasn't running past, the world's population hid and I even saw a lone worm slide back behind a crack in the pavement. Then hell rose up from the ground.

"rather daring for someone usually so shy about such public displays of affection" could be rewritten as "rather daring for me"--the reader will still get the point. I disagree with skagitup on the "a pearler" and "hell rose up from the ground" phrases. I like them. I think they add a nice touch because of their originality.
Quote by Jammydude44
Two drunks threw air shots at each other in an alcohol-induced argument. A pair of old women shouted imperitives after a thieving scoundrel who'd nicked one of their handbags. A car alarm screamed over the shatter of its windscreen as a different tearaway took the wheel. It took some time before I snapped back into manual gear. Bewilderingly, the girl had gone, and I had no idea where or how. Then something less predictable happened; my mother appeared from the darkness of the alleyway on the other side of the road and into the sunshine. She crossed over and put her arm round me in a consoling-like way, and without a word, gently pulled my head onto her shoulder. Looking down, I noticed my hands were rough, blue-collared, and the left one bore a wedding ring. I told my Mum I was confused, and she just nodded, said it was to be expected, and that we all thought she was a bit of a dodgy one.

"shouted imperatives" sounds too awkward. Why not just tell what the women were yelling? You don't need "Bewilderingly" either, because you state at the end that you "had no idea where or how". I agree with skagitup about "then something less predictable happened". Also, "consoling-ike"? I'm guessing that's supposed to be "consoling-like", but either way...you could just write "consoling." I do like the confusion in this paragraph though, especially at the end. Makes the piece kind of crazy, surrealistic, but that much more interesting.
Quote by Jammydude44
Later that day, in the early evening, I found myself lying down in bed. I was cold, motionless, and possibly losing it. I tried to make sense of what had happened yesterday, or last year or however long ago it had been, tempting my mind with snippets of self-created smut in return for some understanding or explanation. I got neither, and it remained that way until I finally drifted off into a deep sleep, letting my subconscious do the thinking.

I don't like "letting my subconscious do the thinking" at the end. You could rewrite that so much more strongly, and every piece should have a strong closing line. Maybe "letting my dreams turn it over"...or something. Nah, that's not very good either, but just try some different ways to say what you're trying to say there. I think it'd be cool if you combined the first two sentences with a comma and the exemption of "I was" from the beginning of the second sentence.

I liked this piece. I always enjoy reading your short stories. Well done.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
#19
Haha Dylan.

Thanks Ardent (what's your name btw? lol).

We're not yanks, we spell everything that they spell with a "z" with an "s"

Thankyou for your kind words, have you anything up I can take a look at?
#20
Aleina is my name.

Shhhh...I'm not a yank

No, I don't have anything up at the moment. But next time I do, I'll let you know.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.