#1
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you don't want sex and mean it.
In the hot heat having sweaty meat
And shaking your head
To be mistaken for dead.

Cross but stern,
Telling yourself that love overrides lust, but
Most lonely when in a crowd and lost,
Holding her hand like a kite in the sky,
Soft like you would a child's.
The sickly, smothering sensation of shit,
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you didn't want sex and mean it.
#2
Quote by thepickups
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you don't want sex and mean it.
In the hot heat having sweaty meat
And shaking your head
To be mistaken for dead.
I didn't like the death imagery here partly because I thought it just didn't fit well with the other images. Meaning-wise it works but I just felt you could have used some other thing other than death.

Cross but stern,
Telling yourself that love overrides lust, but
These were two really good lines. Great characterisation of the author.
Most lonely when in a crowd and lost,
I think you need to specify that it's her who feels most lonley, not you. It feels a bit vague in that sense. For me the weakest lne of the piece (possibly exaggerated as it comes after te last two lines, which are swell).
Holding her hand like a kite in the sky,
Great line, really good way to put this.
Soft like you would a child's.
The sickly, smothering sensation of shit,
The contrast in this line and the one before is striking. Gives some connotations of innocence of the character. Really ace.
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you didn't want sex and mean it.


So, I enjoyed this piece on the whole. I was only thinking the other day and looked back at a couple of your older threads (a time when I was a lame-critting suck up who just wanted to become one of the clique). On re-reading those older threads I appreciatted them all much more than i did back then. So It was good to read you again.

The ideas in this were put forward quite well, I felt your word choice on the whole was of a very high quality; it was ambigous enough in the sense that it made the reader think just a bit, and maybe take something else out of the piece, but also specific enough for them to (probably) get the intended meaning.

I felt the last stanza was much better in that it's contrast in images really provided this cool difference between the narrator and presumably this younger, more innocent girl. I really liked the way you did that.

I must say it was quite a delight to read this.

I just posted some prose which is in my sig if you couldjust take a look and leave me any thoughts. Thanks if you can (I wanna say glenn? idk long time no see).
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 15, 2008,
#3
The part 'lonely in a crowd and lost' is actually about me, not the girl. I might have to try and clarify that, though.

Thanks for all the nice comments.

I'll get to yours now, or later on today.

Edit: Of course you can say Glenn, Calum?
#4
Quote by thepickups
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you don't want sex and mean it.
In the hot heat having sweaty meat
And shaking your head
To be mistaken for dead.

Cross but stern,
Telling yourself that love overrides lust, but
Most lonely when in a crowd and lost,
Holding her hand like a kite in the sky,
Soft like you would a child's.
The sickly, smothering sensation of shit,
To deny your natural instinct;
To boldly say you didn't want sex and mean it.


Hey there,

I must say i did like it, and i thought it was a sexually motivated piece.

"To deny your natural instinct"

the intro opens this piece right open and instantly sets the themes of instinct, which obviously corresponds with mating and sexual activities which is natural, But the point is that some one is denying sex and it has a bearing on the situation.

"Holding her hand like a kite in the sky" this is a good simile and quickly gave me an image.

Overall i thought it was well written and was a good piece !..
#5
Blah, forgot you had a sharp wit

It's Jamie.

calum was caz guitar dude, who actually made an apperance on here last month as well, briefly.
#6

Glad to see something from you, even if I am a little undecided. I want to like it, but something puts me off. The dead line, maybe




love is a dog from hell.



#8
Quote by Jammydude44
Blah, forgot you had a sharp wit

It's Jamie.

calum was caz guitar dude, who actually made an apperance on here last month as well, briefly.


****, I knew that.

Thanks 'Die Krupps' and 'We Have Sound', cheers for the comments.

To clarify; that 'Mistaken for dead' line is meant to hint at having no emotions or bodily urges because the protagonist denied sex, the most natural thing one can do.
#9
I think the problem with the dead line is that it is something that no-one would really link with sex, and therefore it stands out like a coldsore. I would think there's some way of saying the same thing that doesn't quite repulse as much as death.

I realise it's supposed to contrast (the whole life in sex/none in death) sort of thing but it's just the word and it's connotations sort of lose the piece it's vibrancy and sexual urgence.
#11
why don't you add to the song "worms into the skin, a rotten meat"?
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