#1
All I see is my newfound friend
And all the things she grants me
Freedom is not among those things
And freedom is by no means free

Well, this is where it all begins
Begins to stretch and part
If we were to be changing things
I wouldn't know where to start

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
And I never did find it
By anyone's side

Well this is where it all begins
The night pulled tight around me
Now that I have found this big love
I'm sometimes dwarfed in its company
I become aware of all the air that I displace
I was just the smallest of nations
The next day I go on lightly
And limitless within my limitations

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
No, I never did find it
By anyone's side

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
And I never did find it
By anyone's side
Anyone's side
#3
I respect your opinion, but at least tell me why?
Last edited by HenkiThaBooY at Apr 15, 2008,
#4
All I see is my newfound friend the is creates tension, but it's okay 'cause it works with line three
And all the things she grants me
Freedom is not among those things
And freedom is by no means free The meter here is off and the syllables are unequal too. you may want to change it to "And freedom's sadly not free"

Well, this is where it all begins
Begins to stretch and part if you change this to "all begins to stretch and part" you can change the last line to "I would not know where to start" that would fix the meter
If we were to be changing things
I wouldn't know where to start

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
And I never did find it This couplet seems way too short, unless you're holding all the notes. maybe you could change it to "And I still can't seem to find it, lurking by anyone's side"
By anyone's side

Well this is where it all begins
The night pulled tight around me
Now that I have found this big love
I'm sometimes dwarfed in its company This stanza is pretty off... You should extend the syllables in the second line so that it will sync with the last line

I become aware of all the air that I displace
I was just the smallest of nations
The next day I go on lightly
And limitless within my limitations Limitless, within limitations

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
No, I never did find it
By anyone's side same as before

I just want to sail away
From it all
Freedom is impossible
This I
This I know

I can't find it in no bedroom
Or wherever it is I run and hide
And I never did find it
By anyone's side
Anyone's side


Overall it's pretty good, but I think it needs more vivid desciptions, and maybe figurative language?
The song does get a little tedious, so either add some crazy-good guitar licks or a few more points of interest, rather than more and more similar lines


Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=837840
#5
Thanks alot for the crit man! Im only 15 years old, and I`m from Norway, so I don`t speak that much english.