#1
Hey guys, this is my second poem that I've posted here, so C4C as usual. Any criticism is greatly appreciated.

Theres a certain meaning to this piece, and I wrote it because of some personal stuff going on in my life right now. You can probably figure out what it means, but if you can't and you're just dying to know, just ask lol. Enjoy


So let’s end this capacious charade
It’s not a ball, but a masquerade.
The guests are long gone, and the dance floor’s dirty
The elegant chandelier smashed to the ground
Sending shards of perfect glass,
Pristine like perfect snow
To the spot of our grand appearance
Slicing nothing but everything about me
And everything but nothing about you,
Except for your beautiful dress that only I can see…

And even though the music still echos,
Up, down, and around these hollow halls,
From the first time since the last time,
It’s not your cue to dance again.
Because all you do is spin in circles,
And I think it’s time for a change in routine.
So let’s end this charade, this masquerade,
And start tomorrow with something new.
‘Cuz even if I come back to these halls
I wouldn’t return with anyone but you…
#2
What I liked about this is it isn't the least bit cliche, and it isn't any of that 'avant -garde experimental garbage'. The line "sending shards of perfect glass/pristine like perfect snow" stuck out in particular. With using perfect twice, and pristine once you are creating something close to alliteration, but with a twist. "Except for your beautiful dress, that only I can see" is a wonderful line. Too me it represents inner beauty. It feels like the narrator, and the girl are suffering together, and their imperfections bring them together in a world that is perfect. Very nice work. I'd love to hear a melody behind it.
#3
So let’s end this capacious charade
It’s not a ball, but a masquerade.
The guests are long gone, and the dance floor’s dirty
The elegant chandelier smashed to the ground
Sending shards of perfect glass,
Pristine like perfect snow
To the spot of our grand appearance
Slicing nothing but everything about me
And everything but nothing about you,
Except for your beautiful dress that only I can see…

Very mystical. I like this poem so far, because it is thought provoking. You have got an intent, a meaning, but you aren't pushing it on anyone too hard. I like how it is left to the reader to make their own interpretations. The flow is good, but personally i feel that if you are going to rhyme it should follow a structure of some sort. but if it works for you, each to his own

And even though the music still echos,
Up, down, and around these hollow halls,
From the first time since the last time,
It’s not your cue to dance again.
Because all you do is spin in circles,
And I think it’s time for a change in routine.
So let’s end this charade, this masquerade,
And start tomorrow with something new.
‘Cuz even if I come back to these halls
I wouldn’t return with anyone but you…

Great stanza. Most of what i said above also applies to this stanza. I like your strong ending. It trails off with the ... but it also feels very "completed".


Overall I like your piece. Is it a love poem of sorts? To me it seems like it is, but very cleverly done, and without any of the usual cliches. I love that! I personally prefer to read shorter stanza's, simply Because it's easier on the eyes, and smaller chunks are easier to crit. I'll let you off this time lol

anyway make sure to check out mine (in sig)
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#4
Very nice, i really liked this one. The flow of the words went very well, and the imagery was very captivating. It is quite short, but in a good way. It's not overly complicated, and very easy to grasp the importance of the emotions. Great work! I can't wait to see more!
#5
This is really good dude!
It has good flow and above all great use of imagery and diction.

I love the Juxtaposition
Slicing nothing but everything about me
And everything but nothing about you,

Its a great tool but not used much.

And i love how you played around with words here like some sorta dance routine:
Up, down, and around these hollow halls,
From the first time since the last time,


But the most of all is how you used the whole ball/charade/dance as a metaphor for whats going on in your relationship.
And how "all you do is spin around in circles". Dance or life?! Brilliant!!
"And I think it’s time for a change in routine.
So let’s end this charade, this masquerade,
And start tomorrow with something new."
Change the old ways, the old routines and start new.

The first stanza which probably states a fight that took place. And how it
"Slicing nothing but everything about me
And everything but nothing about you"

And the ending which shows your love for your subject.
"‘Cuz even if I come back to these halls
I wouldn’t return with anyone but you…"
That even if things get bad, you'll remain with her.

Now i hope i got it all right here. I'm sorry if i read a little too much into the lines or if i got it completely wrong but i've gotta say its brilliant!

Man the imagery is just so elegant and awesome!!
And its not just brilliant imagery, its how cleverly you used it as a metaphor.
I love stuff this this!!
I have to give this a 10/10. Great stuff!!