#1
My first song, be nice.
-----------------------------------


She wept
Frozen tears she cried
For no heart beats within her
Too many times she's lied

When she slept
Dreams of the past were haunting
Unable to run away
Her obsticals were daunting

Twisting and turning the truth
But only to hide the past
All false identities becoming one
How long did she think she would last
With this life (With this life)

Those bloodstains on your hands never come off
You're branded a killer for life
Looking into those cold, dead eyes
You wonder (wonder)
What will become of you

Cause heaven aint wating with open arms
The rage inside you grew and grew
You don't recognize yourself anymore
This life, if only you knew

A hundred days youve counted
Since the deed was done
A hundred days of painful memories
All lead to one

They will find you
No matter where you hide
Your fingerprints cover the crimescene like paint on a canvas
You left your perfect portrait for them to find

Twisting and turning the truth
But only to hide the past
All false identities becoming one
How long did she think she would last
With this life (With this life)

Those bloodstains on your hands never come off
You're branded a killer for life
Looking into those cold, dead eyes
You wonder (wonder)
What will become of you

Keep running, you scared little girl
Run from the law, Run from your past
Run from the man you hated so much
This cherade you keep up will never last
You're only escaping yourself
#2
I actually like this. It wasn't overly complicated, but it wasn't simple either, and I could actually imagine the girl you are writing about, and I like songs like that. I really liked the chrous, and the stanza that reads "A hundred days youve counted
Since the deed was done
A hundred days of painful memories
All lead to one"
Ya idk that part just seemed to stand out to me.

The only thing that seems off is the flow of the song? Idk, it just seems that some of the timings or stanzas might be a little off in terms of length or something, but I'm sure it will sounds right when it's actually sung. Also, "cherade" in the last stanza should be "charade".

Overall, not too bad at all for you first song, keep up the good work dude.
Care to look at my recent one? It's in my sig..the one on the bottom, "Masquerade".

Hope to see some more songs soon
#3
this is a good song matt.
Epi Les Paul with SD's
VK112
Hardwire OD

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As a relative new-comer to the guitar world I'd just like to point out how much more interesting this thread sounded when I thought a 'Metal Muff' was some sort of chastity belt...

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#4
Quote by StolenOne
My first song, be nice.
-----------------------------------


She wept
Frozen tears she cried
For no heart beats within her
Too many times she's lied
The flow is very good, but there's something off, I just can't put my finger on it...

When she slept
Dreams of the past were haunting
Unable to run away
Her obstacles were daunting
Spelling. And nice verse.

Twisting and turning the truth
But only to hide the past
All false identities becoming one
How long did she think she would last
With this life (With this life)

Those bloodstains on your hands never come off
You're branded a killer for life
Looking into those cold, dead eyes
You wonder (wonder)
What will become of you
Good...

Cause heaven aint wating with open arms
The rage inside you grew and grew (this is past tense, everything else is present)
You don't recognize yourself anymore
This life, if only you knew
No ain't. Please.

A hundred days youve counted
Since the deed was done
A hundred days of painful memories
All lead to one
Nice

They will find you
No matter where you hide
Your fingerprints cover the crimescene like paint on aProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

anvas
You left your perfect portrait for them to find
Flow is awful here. And are you trying to make the CSI theme song or a poem?

Twisting and turning the truth
But only to hide the past
All false identities becoming one
How long did she think she would last
With this life (With this life)

Those bloodstains on your hands never come off
You're branded a killer for life
Looking into those cold, dead eyes
You wonder (wonder)
What will become of you

Keep running, you scared little girl
Run from the law, Run from your past
Run from the man you hated so much
This charade you keep up will never last
You're only escaping yourself


Pretty good. But I thought you were trying to write something deeper... until I got to the CSI part....
C4C?
Either https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1097247
or in my sig.