#1
Carcinogenic bio-hazard, place it in my mouth.
Are these oral stimulants dentrimental to my health?
Eat a part of the puzzle,
Perhaps the most important piece
Only four corners, which one could it be?
Sketch a name on the blackboard
Place it in a frame.
Lined up at the station
The victim never came.

More the push
Merrier the rush
Carousel- top- of- the- game.
Photos on my mantle,
Fall with passing planes.
Dirty Cantene, release the flies,
Broken window stops the rain.


~Crit. for Crit. or sexual favor for sexual favor
Last edited by freshtunes at Apr 15, 2008,
#2
Perhaps I'm missing something, but was this a reference to a psychedelic trip? Haha, that's what I thought the first time I read it. Then I read it over and over and thought it was perhaps a view into the mind of a mentally unstable individual. Either way, it's still very creative and makes the reader think, which is the point of poetry in my opinion. I liked it a lot because it didn't seem to follow one idea, if you know what I'm saying. It bounced around a lot...idk i'm having a hard time articulating my thought at the moment.

I'll take the crit btw..links are in the sig..the bottom on is most recent, today actually.

Oh, and I'll take the sexual favor too, but since your going to c4c, i'll pay you for it....depending on the quality.
#3
Quote by freshtunes
Carcinogenic bio-hazard, place it in my mouth.
Are these oral stimulants dentrimental to my health?
Eat a part of the puzzle,
Perhaps the most important piece
Only four corners, which one could it be?
Sketch a name on the blackboard
Place it in a frame.
Lined up at the station
The victim never came.

More the push
Merrier the rush
Carousel- top- of- the- game.
Photos on my mantle,
Fall with passing planes.
Dirty Cantene, release the flies,
Broken window stops the rain.


This read a bit like I would imagine an acid trip feels, which isn't a good thing. To me, this seemed to broken to say anything. It may have some meaning to you... but as an outside all I got out of this was a headache and a few memorable lines. Sure, its well written, but did you truly accomplish anything? Did you describe anything? Did you say anything? No. To be frank, you didn't. This read like metaphor after metaphor, but you forgot to fill in the metaphors and tell us what they represented. It essentially became 'idea soup.' I could tell there was supposed be something in there, I just couldn't distinguish one from the other. The broken style can be quite effective, but it still needs some thread of commonality to drive the piece along. Instead, this was just 100 images and nothing to really drive the piece along and hook me into it... instead I found myself reading just hoping to God that you might say something to make it worth my while.

Sorry to be so negative,

-zC

If you want to c4c, there are some older ones in my sig... if not, you can just comment one of mine when you see it around later.
#4
i liked this. for the most part the flow was pretty awesome and everything worked well. not much to say i guess.
#6
the first two lines contradict each other alot...i can see where you're trying to go with it, but why the blatant contradiction, ya know?

i guess i'm going to agree with Zach on this for the most part...however; i did enjoy it quite a bit.
trying to turn a trip(my interpretation) into poetry can be quite the conundrum, especially when a lot of metaphorical content goes without elaboration. it makes it a little hard for a wide audience to take grasp, and even harder if it's an unrelatable experience. - make sense?

everything else though, was done very well. i loved the rhyme scheme, and the way the words flowed together was just refreshing.

if you would like - pity party.
#7
Wow, a great sense of flow and diction here, freshtunes (name?). Really good sense. It's like you have an almost natural sense of rhythm. Do you write songs aswell? Cos you've got the hardest part hands-down.

This had a good charm to it, and your images were on the whole swell. Good word choices in "sketch" and I felt "detrimental" really helped the idea at the start, it felt quite satiric in it's placement in that it read like off the back of some gov't campaign against smoking. The question of it aswell alluded to this awesome false naivety which I felt ran right through the whole piece. This was reinforced well with the carousel/kikds fair thing in the last stanza, and "merrier" helped the meaning in there too.

The one thing I didn't like was that the last two lines weren't on solid image, it was sort of two svaguely linked images and this I think affected the ending. I love the last line but I think the penultimate one could be taken out; maybe you could keep this line as the title line or something? Or somehow make it link to the last one a bit more strongly, maybe even just using something like "release the flies outside" so that the reader is almost at the window image anyway...

On the whole, this piece was quite cute and coy in how it was written, and you presented your themes quite subtly and it made me want to re-read it.

gj.

Could you take a look at the latest prose in my sig? Thanks if you can.

SantaEdit: You said something about sexual favours?
#8
This piece has nothing to do with tripping or anything of that nature. I was high when I wrote it though. It's about loosing something and trying to find it again. Which now as I think about it could be a reference to loosing the feeling of being intoxicated, and trying to get it back. Or even chasing that high, thats where the last stanza is sort of going I believe. We're always pushing for something more- "more the push", to get something better "merrier the rush/carousel-top of the game".

As we venture on we sometimes forget things in our past that were important to us, "photos on my mantle, fall with passing planes".

Dirty Cantene is a character, and by releasing the flies, he is trying to clear his mind. The last part of the first stanza "line up at the station/victim never came"....Dirty Cantene was in a criminal line at the police station, but the people he hurt never came. They don't want to re -live a bad experience.

Let me summarize....We loose and try to re-gain. But we don't want to look back on what we have lost, making it difficult to better ourselves. I wouldn't normally break down my writing like this, because I believe everyone should interpert it in their own personal way, but I could see there was a lot of confusion here, and I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea

So forget about the trip guys, but good guess, haha. Thanks everyone for the comments, I appreciate it.

-Nick
Last edited by freshtunes at Apr 16, 2008,