#1
You look into my eyes,
Acting like an angel,
It's love at first sight,
There ain't no doubt,
It's you who all day,
I think about.
You lead me on and the turn about,
You send the signals,then you run out.

I see you smiling at me,
The prettiest smile I have ever seen,
You can throw me away with one glance,
You can make me forget my reason, my being,
You've been leading me on,
Then taking no step,
You show you've moved on,
Then come back again.

Its confusing,
The way you look at me,
Is it love, or lust?
Or something not to be?
Is it my fault?
Is something wrong with me?
Is it just a misinterpretation,
Of everything you say to me?
The smile, The laughs,
The talks, The like,
The vague thoughts seem just to enter my mind,
When once again,

I see you smiling at me,
The prettiest smile I have ever seen,
You can throw me away with one glance,
You can make me forget my reason, my being,
You've been leading me on,
Then taking no step,
You show you've moved on,
Then come back again.

I've lost all hope,
I'm broken within,
I have no dreams,
No temptations, no life,
Hell this ain't fair,
You keep giving me that look,
Have I committed a sin?
For you keep giving me hope,
You strike the fire within,
Once more you give me hope when,

I see you smiling at me,
The prettiest smile I have ever seen,
You can throw me away with one glance,
You can make me forget my reason, my being,
You've been leading me on,
Then taking no step,
You show you've moved on,
Then come back again.

This is it I have no doubt,
This is the thing i have to forget about,
What you've done to me,
Whether intentional or not,
Is not forgiven,
It just ain't right,
You've played with my feelings,
You've played with my heart,
But that ain't the end,
I feel its just the start.
Cause,

I see you smiling at me,
The prettiest smile I have ever seen,
You can throw me away with one glance,
You can make me forget my reason, my being,
You've been leading me on,
Then taking no step,
You show you've moved on,
Then come back again.

I hear my phone ringing,
Its you on the line,
You say you're dying within,
You say its the last time,
Your leading me on and this time your right,
I say I did once love you too,
With all that I might.


Please critique


Edit : Edited some spelling/Grammar errors....
Edit :This is my first song.... Please don't be lenient...I'd like to learn from this.
Last edited by luv090909 at Apr 16, 2008,
#2
For starters, its loonnngg dude! (sorta puts people off to read through all of it). If its a song, which i presume it is, it could be better if you divide it into verse and chorus.
And it doesn't have a great flow. The verses within themselves have good flow but when you move to the verse to the chorus or verse to bridge, the flow gets really disrupted.

Sorry if i'm harsh there dude. But you really need to keep the flow in mind to write good stuff.
But as its your first one, thats okay. You'll get better at it as your write more.

Anyway, to start getting specific:
I like the general idea and theme of the song and at many places its pretty well written and pretty catchy.
Okay in your chorus bit:
I see you smiling at me,
The prettiest smile I have ever seen,
You can throw me away with one glance,
You can make me forget my reason, my being,

These don't quite fit in with the flow. The syllable count is off with the rest of the chorus. Maybe you could shorten these lines or come with a shorter alternative.
You've been leading me on,
Then taking no step,
maybe you can change this to "Then you take no step" or something cuz the grammar there doesn't quite feel right.
You show you've moved on,
Then come back again.

But the last 4 lines are pretty catchy, ive gotta say!

Its confusing,
The way you look at me,
Is it love, or lust?
Or something not to be?
Is it my fault?
Is something wrong with me?
Is it just a misinterpretation,
Of everything you say to me?
The smile, The laughs,
The talks, The like,
The vague thoughts seem just to enter my mind,
When once again,

A little too many "me"'s in here. Maybe you could cut them down or find an alternative word.
And the "The vague thoughts seem just to enter my mind," maybe you could remove the "just" from it cuz it feels a little too long.


I've lost all hope,
I'm broken within,
I have no dreams,
No temptations, no life,
Hell this ain't fair,
You keep giving me that look,
Have I committed a sin?

these don't quite seem to fit in well. Especially from "Hell...sin?" Its the "hell this ain't fair" thats out of sync with the rest of the verse. So maybe if you really wanna keep it, you can have it in ()'s or something. To give it a feeling that its an overtone rather than the main part of the verse.
For you keep giving me hope,
You strike the fire within,
Once more you give me hope when,


And the rest of it is pretty okay.
Its sorta cheesy but its cool. Nice idea for a song. You do have good rhyming at places and it does have loads of catchy parts (which is good! its the catchy parts that sell).

So overall, its got a few problems with its flow and the points i specified. Its pretty simplistic but catchy. Good work for your first one!!

Keep writing and you'll get better.

And if you wish, you can have a look at my latest song at:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=838991