#1
Written on the spot. took about 15 minutes. C4C and Enjoy

Everything is clear
When you've got plenty of time
A candle burning in the night
and an altered state of mind.

At ease with the world and
knowing as you watch
exactly what will happen next
and what comes after that

Just a sneeze and away you go
flying through the clouds
the heavens come closer
People becoming ants on the ground

Sitting,
Just sitting.
Just breathing.
Just watching.

A new wave of feeling
drops over your eyes
the calm warmth within
causes mists to rise.

Awake from the sleep
See the world anew
Know the past.
Know the future.
Awake from the sleep
how the world grew.

EDIT: Just made a couple of minor adjustments. Fixed the long line, thanks Toby. Look alright to everyone?
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
Last edited by S-Gsus at Apr 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by S-Gsus
Written on the spot. took about 15 minutes. C4C and Enjoy

Everything is clear
When you've got plenty of time
A candle burning in the night
and an altered state of mind.

At ease with the world and
knowing as you watch
exactly what will happen next not fond of these last 2 lines
and what comes after that

Just a sneeze and away you go
flying through the clouds
the heavens come closer
as people turn ants on the ground thought this sentence was too long

Sitting,
Just sitting.
Just breathing.
Just watching.

A new wave of feeling
drops over your eyes
the calm warmth within
causes mists to rise.

Awake from the sleep
See the world anew
know the past.
Hear of the future
Awake from the sleep
Your glasses askew.


Just a few minor "fixes" IMO

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=838978
#3
Really well written.
It has a great flow.

I really like this bit:
"Just a sneeze and away you go
flying through the clouds
the heavens come closer
as people become ants upon the ground"

Its really simple and great!!
Though i have to agree the last line disrupts the flow of it a little bit.
But i really like the idea.

This last bit doesn't exactly seem to go with the flow.
"wake from the sleep
See the world anew
know the past.
Hear of the future
Awake from the sleep
Your glasses askew."

Like it sounds a little out of key. If there's anything like that for poems!
But all along you had 4 lined verses and you suddenly moved to a 6lined one.

But overall i really like it.
Its really simplistic.
Easy reading stuff. Doesn't seem to have any deep aspects to it. Just a day dream adrift.
good stuff!

And if you wish, here's my latest one:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=838991
#4
Quote by S-Gsus
Written on the spot. took about 15 minutes. C4C and Enjoy

Everything is clear
When you've got plenty of time
A candle buring in the night------ isn't this supposed to be burning...not buring?
and an altered state of mind.

At ease with the world and
knowing as you watch
exactly what will happen next
and what comes after that

Just a sneeze and away you go
flying through the clouds
the heavens come closer
as people become ants upon the ground A bit too long??? Not much...just a bit

Sitting,
Just sitting.
Just breathing.
Just watching.I like this part.... catchy

A new wave of feeling
drops over your eyes
the calm warmth within
causes mists to rise. I love this stanza....

Awake from the sleep
See the world anew
know the past.
Hear of the future
Awake from the sleep
Your glasses askew.



Well....a few changes here and there......
Nice poem...it has a good feel to it.........

I particularly liked these two



Sitting,
Just sitting.
Just breathing.
Just watching.





A new wave of feeling
drops over your eyes
the calm warmth within
causes mists to rise.



And definitely very good for an on the spot.....
I cant add much more to it.... I'm kinda new myself

If you would like to crit mine---
The Smile...OTS
Last edited by luv090909 at Apr 16, 2008,
#5
Very nice...I like how you set up the piece with lots of imagery and how it could make me imagine whats going on in the piece. The best stanza IMO would have to be:
At ease with the world and
knowing as you watch
exactly what will happen next
and what comes after that

Idk why, but that part just really stood out to me.

Overall, a very simplistic poem with lots of imagery. It was like a breath of fresh air from all the complicated and intricate pieces that some people write in here. Well done

Hope to see more from you soon.
#6
Hey man sorry about this crit only being short, but I'm just on a break at work lol. I really like the piece, lots of simple yet very effective imagery in here, which is what I think helps everyone reading it to relate to something inside the song. One thing I think could be changed is the line: "as people become ants upon the ground"

The reason I say this is that it seems to over extend the rhythm of the song that has been established in the previous verse. Maybe "People becoming ants on the ground" would work better. Thanks for the crit on my piece, much appreciated. Could you take a look at my latest piece too? It's called "Inside the Emptiness", a little different to "My Eyes" but I'd appreciate some crit on that, will get back and do a proper crit in here when I'm off work lol.

Hope to read more of your stuff in the future!

-Toby
#8
nice poem...i love it.. it got sum flow error.. but except it, it's cool..realli nice..gud work guy..i personally like the first stanza..
#9
Read this fast and its wonderful! It flows so lovingly and ponderingly. There is little that I feel needs to changed; Maybe one or two words, but I'm not a picky lyrical kind of guy. I prefer reading pieces that are a little 'rough around the edges'. Great work.