#1
Before you lock this, I edited the title but it only shows up the edited version once I actually enter the thread... So if a mod could properly edit the title for me I'd appreciate it.

Well I've only done a few pieces before this but they were kinda just random, I didn't use a technique, though I did end up with one good piece but I'd rather keep it private.

This time I used a technique where I just wrote down a word, and 2 words that related to that word, and just got as many rhymes I could. Then I based my song off of that. BTW, thanks for the person who posted that... I can't remember the thread lol =[

Anyway here's a new one called Sharks, short piece hopefully to become a song soon.

Here goes: [read down for full version, just keeping this here so people can tell me if they like the full version or this better

Dared into the dark, they can't find a spark (of light)
Paired side by side, huge waves they ride
They never once cared, about the dangers
The dangers of, the vicious waters...

Huge waves they ride, this what they decide
The dangers they face, like ignoring faith
No one to predict, the fatalities ahead
All has gone wrong, when water turns red

Dared into the dark, less knowledge of sharks
The tragic outcome, the stunned media
The tide consumes all, the whole ****ing town
SHALL FOREVER BE KNOWN, AS SHARK LAND


-------EDIT-------
Okay spent a bit more time on it to extend it to a full song. I feel it's not as solid as the rough same amount of syllables aren't being used anymore.

Dared into the dark, they can't find a spark (of light)
Paired side by side, huge waves they ride
They never once cared, about the dangers
The dangers of, the vicious waters...

Huge waves they ride, this what they decide
The dangers they face, like ignoring faith
No one to predict, the fatalities ahead
All has gone wrong, when water turns red

Oh! And when it all falls down.
Oh! And when you turn around to see...
The neglect, in their eyes
Oh! You'll never be the same again.

Huge waves they rode, it was what they chose
The danger they saw, can you imagine it raw?
No one could know, what was to happen.
Their mother had always said, don't go out past 10

Oh! And when it all falls down.
Oh! And when you turn around to see...
The neglect, in their eyes
Oh! You'll never be the same again

Dared into the dark, less knowledge of sharks
The tragic outcome, the stunned media
The tide consumes all, the whole ****ing town
SHALL FOREVER BE KNOWN, AS SHARK LAND
Last edited by Demonology at Apr 17, 2008,
#3
Haha thanks mate, got anything I can crit? I'll look for something under your name anyway.
#4
i really dont have anything you can crit. im not the best song writer so i dont really show my lyrics to anyone
Last edited by SoftParade1967 at Apr 16, 2008,
#5
Remidns me of the song "In The Belly Of A Shark" by the Gallows.

I liked it btw =]

I can really see it working as a screamo song ;o What genre is it going to be?
"Punk is a state of mind, and no one can take that away from you."
#6
Quote by Punks|Not|Dead
Remidns me of the song "In The Belly Of A Shark" by the Gallows.

I liked it btw =]

I can really see it working as a screamo song ;o What genre is it going to be?


Hehe lol, you kinda saw it correctly XD

It's gonna be kinda metalcore-ish. [psst are there flamers in S&L?] With a HUUUGE breakdown. lol.

Thanks for liking it too =]

You got any pieces?

Quote by SoftParade1967
i really dont have anything you can crit. im not the best song writer so i dont really show my lyrics to anyone


Ohh that's alright mate, just keep writing. I used to be like that and I finally got the courage to post mine. Turns out people like it.
Last edited by Demonology at Apr 16, 2008,
#8
Quote by DreamTheater09
(nods aproval)
very nice, very nice.
with the right music, id be really tight!


And what sir would the right music be?

I'd like to know if you have a different kind than what I stated earlier, maybe I could make 2 versions of the song or something.
#9
Quote by Demonology
Hehe lol, you kinda saw it correctly XD

It's gonna be kinda metalcore-ish. [psst are there flamers in S&L?] With a HUUUGE breakdown. lol.

Thanks for liking it too =]

You got any pieces?




Not yet :P
"Punk is a state of mind, and no one can take that away from you."
#10
I think this will work very well in a metalcore/punk kind of song but I think you should maybe work on improving the last verse a little.

The reason I say this is the first 2 verses seem to follow an almost identical structure with the first 2 lines having rhymes within themselves and then the 3rd line building up until the 4th line. And you have managed to write something in these lines that doesnt seem forced, and it flows really nicely.

But then you come to the 3rd verse and it changes a little here. Only the 1st line has the same structure as the preceeding verses and this is the most lyrically weak part of the song in my opinion, because you lose the flow and it seems as if you have just written something that fits in with the basic idea behind the song, and not something that fits well with the piece. I just don't like the last 3 lines, although I see what you are trying to do with them, because it seems like the lyrics within them are forced i.e "The tragic outcome, the stunned media" and "The tide consumes all, the whole ****ing town" lose the flow of the previous verses. The final line also seems pretty weak.

Hope you don't find that too harsh man, because I really like the piece and if you work on the final verse I think you will have a solid song. My latest piece is linked in my sig, a few weeks old but I'd appreciate it you took a look at it, thanks! It's called Our Everlasting Gaze, hope you enjoy it.

By the way I'd edit the title of this thread, you're only supposed to post the song title, nbothing else, as it may get closed.
#11
Nah thanks for the crit. I've taken way harsher stuff in other places. I realise the last 3 lines were off yeah, I kinda want them to have that weird feeling to them, but I want to keep the flow at the same time, if you know what I mean. But I can't find the way to do that.

Title edited too =] Taking a look at yours in approximately 30 seconds.
#12
A lot of repetition in this and i feel it sorta slightly kills this piece. Though at places here it works pretty cool too. Like the repetition of the "huge waves they ride" is pretty cool.
But its like you've repeated the same idea through the 1st 3 verses which makes them sound very repetitious and similar.

The line
"You think you'll never be the same again!"
i feel is very overused and it'ld sound a little more original if you could use something else in its place.

Then the last bit:
"Dared into the dark, less knowledge of sharks
The tragic outcome, the stunned media
The tide consumes all, the whole ****ing town
SHALL FOREVER BE KNOWN, AS SHARK LAND"
Doesn't quite seem to fit in. Especially the last two lines. "The tide.... shark land"
And the last bit "SHALL FOREVER BE KNOWN, AS SHARK LAND".
I felt that just killed the whole song. Its just really cheesy in what is rather quite a well written song.

So its very well written. Has excellent flow throughout the song and an idea you don't quite hear much bout. Its all really good for the last bit that i felt just killed it all!
#13
Haha now everyone's saying the last bit killed it all! Maybe I should add a really impossible to play riff in there when i record it to suit it lol... Or just fix it XD

It's weird how I repeat a lot in song writing, I can make a 4 min+ song on guitar without repeating an idea at all. Maybe experience is all I need.

Anyway I'm off to bed, bye all!
#14
Quote by Demonology


-------EDIT-------
Okay spent a bit more time on it to extend it to a full song. I feel it's not as solid as the rough same amount of syllables aren't being used anymore.

Dared into the dark, they can't find a spark (of light)
Paired side by side, huge waves they ride
They never once cared, about the dangers
The dangers of, the vicious waters...

Excellent opening stanza. It grabs attention to bring the reader in quickly, but at the same time, eases them into the story of the poem. There is great flow, aided by rhyming in the first two lines, and not hindered by the lack of rhyme in lines 3 and 4. I like how you've ended this stanza in a way that flows into the next one.

Huge waves they ride, this what they decide
The dangers they face, like ignoring faith
No one to predict, the fatalities ahead
All has gone wrong, when water turns red

Good second stanza. Flows on well from the first stanza, and the flow within this stanza is also good. Again, excellent use of rhyme to aid the flow. This song's verses have a good equal rhythm so far IMO. One repetition of "huge waves they ride" but this doesn't take anything away from the meaning of the piece.

Oh! And when it all falls down.
Oh! And when you turn around to see...
The neglect, in their eyes
You think you'll never be the same again!

Nice chorus. The only roblem that i have with it is the last line, which doesn't seem to fit. It's too wordy/too many syllables. Perhaps Oh!You'll never be the same! same message, just fits better IMO.

Huge waves they rode, it was what they chose
The danger they saw, can you imagine it raw?
No one could know, what was to happen.
Their mother had always said, don't go out past 10

Huge waves again, i think i'm seeing a pattern haha. This verse seems a little more forced than the last 2, though i don't have any suggestions. with music I doubt that listeners would notice

Oh! And when it all falls down.
Oh! And when you turn around to see...
The neglect, in their eyes
You think you'll never be the same again!

Dared into the dark, less knowledge of sharks
The tragic outcome, the stunned media
The tide consumes all, the whole ****ing town
SHALL FOREVER BE KNOWN, AS SHARK LAND

I like the rephrasing of the start to emphasise a point here. Other than that, i don't like this stanza at all, it's as if you've put a heap of effort into the rest of the song, then got to the end and just gone "Ah bugger it! let's just get it over with." I understand that it may not seem quite like that with music, but in text from I really don't like the ending. Just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the song *shrugs*


It's a great song, I just think that the way you've ended it kind of ruined the effect for me, although I can imagine some dude screaming that out on stage and it would be quite epic
Oh and thanks for the crit on mine
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#15
lol the epic screaming on stage is how it's meant to be :P I guess it's hard to imagine though when you only have lyrics...

And thanks for the tip for the last line of the chorus too, that definitely betters it.