#1
at the very least we can commend capitalists
for their unwavering ability to convince
the populous that these evil events
are simply corrupted values that man inherits

they peddle smut and violence for spare change
they intensify our inclination to lust
to the point where we believe it's just
human nature and it cannot change

the west very well may have no class
unfortunately that doesn't make us classless
but we the people don't fight it, we'll take it as is
they lied and said it's as natural as crabgrass

they warped the concept of an entire nation
take advantage, they'll use us for their pleasure
such introversion you can't begin to measure
the industries use us like tools for masturbation

preservation of self has become preservation of wealth
defined by our belongings, long ago we lost sight
of what really is wrong and what is really right
because they said selfish exploitation's a sign of health

when in fact it is an indication we are fatally ill
their doublespeak and doublethink
finally pushed us to that macabre brink
where, to save ourselves, our brothers we'll kill

hobbes and locke? or barnum and bailey?
there's a sucker born every minute
the race isn't worth anything unless you win it
they indoctrinate us with that almost daily

so they can perpetuate this great sin
they can addict us, they can afflict us
conflict our interests, try to distract us
but they can't take away my paper or my pen
#DTWD
#2
it's okay (capitalism is good!) but you seem to put stress on a lot of unstressed syllables, especialy in the first few stanzas.

try ending the stanzas in words with multiple syllables, to help this.

also, I'm not sure how this is put to rythm, or what meter you're writing in, but take a look at you meter and flow.

I do like the rhyme scheme though, it's not the typical ABAB or AABB in most music these days. (or... most music)
#4
Quote by M-D
(capitalism is good!)


What gave you that idea?

Anyway, nice piece. Not my normal cup of tea but it was decent. It flowed pretty good but the rhythm seemed a little choppy at times. That may just be me so if it works for you then go for it. Keep writing.
#5
i think you had some real good ideas here but the forced rhyming really limits the potential this piece has. it limits your ideas and the creativity. you did a decent job of making a political piece that isn't like the thousands of others. id say its a nice start.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=839592
there is my piece if you have time to atleast give it a bump