#1
hi. this is sort of a story, and if you can't adjust to that idea, please don't tell me about it.

"It's love, darling. I think I love you."

The yellow lie seeped like smog through his white teeth
as she crossed her nervous legs and
combated her fear of heights with nicotine.

In that instant, he hated himself-
not because he was lying (for he undoubtedly was),
but because his confessor was more concerned with a lighter.
He crossed his arms and slouched into the seat.

"Ma'am, there's no smoking on the plane. I must ask you to put that out."

Brad gave the woman a "do-you-know-who-it-is-that-you're-goddamn-talking-to" eye
as June dropped her cigarette into the empty glass beside her,
glancing then at Brad before deciding to turn towards the window.

"Some people," Brad grouched, "did you see her shoes?"

She hadn't seen her shoes,
nor had she so much as heard Brad's question,
for she was now wholly entranced by what she saw outside the plane.

"June," Brad demanded, "June, goddamnit, are you listening to me?"

"It's so empty," she said, motionless.

"What?"

"The sky, I mean; the sky.
My whole life, people have told me to reach for it.
Well, I'm here now, and there's nothing to hold onto.
The clouds are foggy smears of gray, and
the stars would surely burn your fingertips.
The same ones you used to point at them with.
I want down,"

Then she turned away from the window,
craning her neck to see past Brad,
and smiled with childlike delight at the emergency exit.
"I want down."
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Apr 17, 2008,
#2
idk u could have good material here for a well written song but its too... storyish if u took some of the ideas out of it and made those into a song or songs then i bet those would be great
#4
wow you gotta be kidding me.

also, I'll be back on this.

Quote by Arthur Curry
hi. this is sort of a story, and if you can't adjust to that idea, please don't tell me about it.

the yellow lie seeped like smog through his white teeth
as she crossed her nervous legs and
combated her fear of heights with nicotine.

"it's love, darling. i think i love you."
I didn't like opening with "The yellow lie". Right away, we don't know what the heck it is that you're talking about. we have to wait a whole stanza to realize it, so it's pretty confusing at first. Splitting the quote in half could be a possible solution and make this excellent, because I really liked how your stanza is written.

in that instant he hated himself-
not because he was lying (for he undoubtedly was),
but because he could tell she cared more about a lighter.
he crossed his arms and slouched into the seat like a reluctant spring.
I was unsure about the wording in the last line. Fell a little on the ridiculous side to me.

"ma'am, there's no smoking on the plane. i must ask you to put that out."

brad gave the woman a "do-you-know-who-it-is-that-you're-goddamn-talking-to" eye
as june dropped her cigarette into the empty glass beside her,
glancing then at brad before deciding to turn towards the window.
I'd say "before turning", it would put both alliterations next to one another. I thought it read better, out loud.

"some people," brad grouched, "did you see her shoes?"
I can't grasp what the "some people" is referring to.

she hadn't seen her shoes, (why italicized ? )
nor had she so much as heard brad's question, nor
his current rant about the directors he hated working with,
for she was now wholly entranced by what she saw outside the plane:
nothing.

"june," brad demanded, "june, goddamnit, are you listening to me?"

"it's so empty," she said, without moving.

"what?"

"the sky, i mean; the sky.
my whole life, people have told me to reach for it.
well, i'm here now,
and there's nothing even to hold onto. <---- to even ? Seemed weirdly put to me
the clouds are foggy smears of gray, and
the stars would surely burn your fingertips.
the same ones that you used to point with.
i want down,"

and with that came a sudden sense of clarity in her voice,
"i want down."
Great, great ending. I had no qualms for the whole part I didn't comment on.


I like it, as a whole. There are a few things I disliked though. "Brad". The name is so typically stereotypical (yeah that's right). Also, for some reason, it bothered me that you didn't capitalize June. In fact, capitalization as a whole could be reviewed in this...

Other than that, great writing.
Yeah.
#7
Quote by Arthur Curry
okay. changes made.


G C D


good choice!



edit: I believe that it was good until the ending. I hated the ending. Seemed like a cliche copout and just a way for you to quickly end the piece while putting in a "witty" line to attempt to... well I dont know what it was attempting to do but I hated it. I'll be back though.
Last edited by #1 synth at Apr 17, 2008,
#9
Eh, I'm working on a total of 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights, I'll see it with a clearer head tomorrow and then try to explain what i meant, because i probably didnt mean what I said or at least not even close to the severity of how I said it. Wow, I can barely comprehend what I just said. sleepy time.
#10
/girlfriendbump.
turn me back into the pet that i was when we met,
i was happier then with no mind-set.