#1
I want to write haikus about the cruelest forms of torture.
I want to wrap a string around my finger, so I will
always remember.
I want to sail across the sea
by myself, and only sail at night.
The stars would shine so bright,
it would seem like the sun had never set.
I want the universe to hold itself together
and exclaim at its own beauty.
"What a beautiful day this has come to be."


c4c leave link
I hate this tear it to shreds.
Last edited by inthegreyx at Apr 18, 2008,
#2
i like it. a couple things to point out, of course.

the comma after "i want to" in the second line shouldn't be there - it doesn't make sense.

i like the way you break up line 2 and 3

"i want to sail across the sea on a boat" - please take out "on a boat". redundancy. obviously if you're sailing across the sea you're gonna be on a boat. anyways, i felt that without "on a boat", the line flows better.

break up line 6 after "so bright", i think "it would be like the day" should be it's own line. i don't really like the line about day anyways. i think you could rework it. you know, change it up. it's a bit cliché right now.

take the "and" off the end of line 7 and put it at the start of line 8. i can see what you were trying to do but i think it would flow better without the "and".

otherwise, it's ok. it's not great, and obviously could be worked on. but a nice little piece. and crit in my sig if you please .
#3
Thanks a bunch, you know , pointing out that bit about the day, I think the line it has now makes it alot better.
#4
I liked it, but I think it'd be a lot better if you put another stanza somewhere that added the emotional context. Know what I mean? Because right now its good and has good emotional elements, but I just think they'd be a lot better if there was at least one line referencing what they were connected to. I hope that makes some sense.

Please crit mine!!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=840515
We're only strays.
#5
It was meant to be vague. Thats what I was going for, because it doesnt really have a purpose, and I don't want to add anymore to it at all.
This is all I want. I'll get to yours later, thanks.
#6
Quote by inthegreyx
It was meant to be vague. Thats what I was going for, because it doesnt really have a purpose, and I don't want to add anymore to it at all.
This is all I want. I'll get to yours later, thanks.


Oh ok. Well then I'd say you got it then.
We're only strays.
#7
=) thanks. I just reread my comment back to you and I sounded pretty bitchey, sorry about that.
#8
I want to write haikus about the cruelest forms of torture.
I want to wrap a string around my finger, so I will
always remember.


I love these lines, but at first I thought "always remember" didn't quote flow and I kept on putting in "never forget". But my minds sort of split on which one is better

It's good thing GuitarPierre pointed out the "on a boat" and its flow. It works a lot better without. As he said, it's sort of stating the obvious and unless your going to go on about the boat in detail, its irrelevant.

and exclaim at its own beauty.
"What a beautiful day this has come to be."


I'm not overly keen on the repetition of beauty, even though its form has changed. I also think that "What a ... to be" should be separate, to emphasis the change in speaker. It could also emphasis the magnitude of the universe

If you would like to:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=840597
Last edited by Pure_Morning at Apr 18, 2008,
#9
Isn't a haiku based off 5-7-5?
5 pronounciations on the first row, 7 on the second row and 5 on the third row.
Or am wrong!? :p
Quote by LazySandman
f

the time has come (lol, get it?)



Gabel istheshit!
(But I is moar shitz!)
#10
Quote by inthegreyx
=) thanks. I just reread my comment back to you and I sounded pretty bitchey, sorry about that.


Haha, its ok.
We're only strays.
#11
You could make an allusion to Romeo and Juliet and say:

"The stars would shine so bright,
The birds would sing and think it were not night"

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#16
Quote by Cookiebar
Isn't a haiku based off 5-7-5?
5 pronounciations on the first row, 7 on the second row and 5 on the third row.
Or am wrong!? :p


She never says that this is a haiku. She says she wants to write them.

It's pretty good. I enjoyed the first three lines immensely.

Edit - Gender fix.
Quote by dudetheman
So what? I wasted like 5 minutes watching DaddyTwoFoot's avatar.


Metalheads are the worst thing that ever happened to metal.
Last edited by DaddyTwoFoot at Apr 21, 2008,
#17
Haha wow, I never expected this type of response, thanks to everyone, I'll try my best to get back to anything anyone wants.
Yeah, I didn't intend for this to BE a haiku,
thats just the title.
I know I didnt focus on anything, I didnt want to.
I will not make a reference to Romeo and Juliet,
that would make this sort of cliche into all out cliche.
No thanks.
And this he is a she
Thanks for all of this.
Last edited by inthegreyx at Apr 21, 2008,
#18
Quote by Pure_Morning
I love these lines, but at first I thought "always remember" didn't quote flow and I kept on putting in "never forget". But my minds sort of split on which one is better




:]
I used remember because it has this sort of rhyme with finger.
And when you break the lines up like I have them,
I want to wrap a string around my finger pause, so I will always remember.
I think it sounds nicer and helps with flow, I considered never forget as well. :]