#1
Haven't thought of a title for this one. Just stewed it up out of no where, but it's all good. Any ideas on titles are quite welcome, I'm also no sure if the shorus and the bridge should be the other way around. either way, the bridge should have a bit of a breakdown (when you imagine it with music, this is a song not a poem, not that there's a whole load of difference)

Copyright: Willy Delirious 2008

Thoughts buzzing all around
Ten thousand miles an hour
If only I could slow them down
To see them all in full

Pictures and colours
All in a blur
Round and round
inside my head

I close my eyes and focus
I stop the world from spinning
What seems like hours passing
goes by in only minutes

Chorus
My life passes me by
I can see it in your eyes
and I know...
Well this must be the end
This must be the end.

Bridge
Well stop.
Show me your face.
Put your hands on your knees
And wish with all your might
Save me save me.


Just thought I'd let you know, I had some performance enhancing drugs before this one, so tell me how i went

dear god it was purple before..
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
Last edited by S-Gsus at Apr 17, 2008,
#2
Lyrics look fine but if i had a tune to go with it, well then i could give you the thumbs up.
#3
Just think of some 80's hair metal style, double stop chunky riffing.

I think that might suit it. I don't wanna say "think of such and such artist, a bit like ___ song" coz it's not. It's original. feel free to pick up a guitar and make up a tune to it yourself, jus for critique purposes. But don't steal it lol
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#4
The visual of the metal style really helped. Brought it into full view.

The flow and rhyming is really good. The visual on the Bridge is awesome. I pictured a guy with blurry vision trying to focus on someone (a girl) to see if she can help him get out of his funk. I assume that's what put your hands on your knees means - basically bend down 'cuz you are sitting and can't see her with your spinning head.

Seems like your enhancements paid off and you may have not been able to define this without them.

My one critique is the "all of this must end". Till that point it isn't that serious of a song. But, that makes it sound like you contemplating suicide or something. I don't think you meant that. Maybe it is just your buzz that is ending or you've got to stop getting stoned or you going to lose your love - she's getting tired of your craziness. Maybe it could be reworded to fit that if that's what you intended.

Peace dude. Get some help.