#1
look into the eyes of those who
are spreading wicked servances
on the jokers
and the chain.
if you stop believing and
wake to find a heartbeat,
a lucky heartbeat,
clothes draped in a hurricane
and an american girl who
flies all around the world
riding the storm
and singing some kind of
numb bittersweet nuthin' then
go back to sleep.
the highway only goes one way -
black,
and when you realise that
only the high die suffering
then your house will be a faithful place
where you can avoid the danger of glory.
revisit the gold.
be adored
under the waterfall
and you will only be tormented and twisted
if you come out.
if you smoke and drink and think
and sink,
remember that sultans
are the ones who are lucky
not the ones who work.
the ones who work are right before you.
running in misunderstood water
with jobs and debts and sons
and daughters.
the first one to die
is usually the one who charms them all,
the one who is fast and quick
and slick
and they are usually irish
(watch out for the irish)
or italian
(don't bother watching out for them,
you'll miss them).

what is it?
a train,
moving through a tunnel
that's jumping
and the train can never get through
because what it's trying to get through is moving as well
(time).

you can only pass through
something that is stationary
(and
with patience)
you can just about pull through
the rainy days and nights
and drinks
and realise that if you're born with
a white cross
on your forehead
you're damned.

you say that it's suspicion,
you're wrong.
it's everything, it's curiosity,
and when your fault line comes
and you shuffle about
like a starving man in a drought
it will come to your attention
that the best thing you could do
is admit that you aren't young anymore.

so
if you see her,
the master of doing things twice,
tell her that i'm homesick and i want to go further.
tell her that
this is all just some kind of sympathetic game
and i'm sick of it.
i want to return to the rain.
i want to return to the shops and
buy so many things that i can't
carry them all home
so i have to either
leave some of them there
or get help and come back
(but who will really help a man
who claims he has too much?).

all i really want to do is finish.
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 24, 2008,
#2
This was so much a mix of kinda boring lines and awesomeness that my final conclusion is that it is only a satisfactory piece barring any revisions. I think your ending ideas should be in a different stanza (from it's everything, curiosity" I guess, and that you should add some proper form and punctuation to this.

Like I said, a real mix here where people can just pick and choose what they liked and what they didn't. I'd say revise, polish up and watch you don't stray too far into ludicrousy in so much that the reader gets bored.

You do have a wicked sense of humour.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
you should add some proper form and punctuation to this.


you should of seen it before...