#1
Click.
Gears cranked and chambers twisted.
He set the revolver on to the table,
removed his cattle glove, and
flicked his leather hat back, grumbling.
"Only the good die young."


Of course the good die young. They haven't had the chance to prove themselves unworthy. They haven't had a chance to corrupt their own names and ease their way across the high wire of humanity. Tip-toeing on great intentions, the broken dreams of high school sweethearts, and the dieing wishes of grandparents. The young are like me, looking toward the future with optimism and the present with cynicism; noting precisely this sentiment, the good die young... so I might as well go out with a bang and early. The old, they look to the past with optimism, remembering how great things were and the future with a sense of "who gives a fuck."


"Look, John, of course the good die young. When you die young, everyone just assumes that your death is robbing humanity of the greatness that could have been. Hell, if Hitler had died a young age, the old would have just assumed he would cure cancer. No one thinks that your future would hold the death of six-million Jews. Irreverence is taboo."


He tossed back a shot of bourbon and stared at me blankly.
"You think too much kid; you'll never make a good cow-hand."
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 17, 2008,
#2
i think if anyone could cipher out a good amount of humorous cynicism from a "real-life" situation, and translate it into prose - it would be you my friend. i always look forward to reading your "prosey" pieces for this reason.

this may be a stupid question, though: what does the description at the beginning mean? is the guy locking and loading, or is he releasing the trigger to an already loaded pistol, and laying it on the table for the narrator?

i do like the contrast in the second paragraph between the "optimism and cynicism." also the use of the semi-colon dividing the logic and common sense aspects; it really helped generate the impact of the entire statement. if that wasn't there, i probably would've cried.

i don't like how he made the "of course..." statement twice; it's almost like he had to convince himself of this by actually saying it...made me think that the narrator's a little unsure of himself. - whether or not it's intentional, it still kind of bothers me.

all in all this was a good read. i very much like the last line; but not the predecessor about the "cow looking...train...," i felt like that could've been much more cleverly(- is that even a word?) done.

but, i did quite enjoy this. and it seems like you're definitely taking a good turn in these prose pieces. but, i would enjoy a more poetic piece from time to time - i'd like to see how good you are concerning rhyme pattern and technique; i think you could probably throw some shit deeooown.

take it easy bud.

-Kent

EDIT: if you want - falling into progress.
just a short piece, nothing big.
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 17, 2008,
#3
First stanza, good, I like your descriptions. I didn't like the second stanza. Summing life up in one paragraph is incredibly difficult and it's got to be written incredibly well to have any impact, in my opinion. The ideas were too unoriginal. Perhaps take the optimism, cynicism, past, present, future thing and develop that stanza into something a little different. It's too generalized at the moment, and too broad on its subject. The following stanza, where the narrator is speaking, is much better. Shows much more humor, personality. Maybe you could blend those two stanzas together. Scrap the first sentence though and open with "When you die young". I like the closing stanza, I wouldn't touch that. Thanks for getting to mine.
#4
Thanks guys.

Your point is well taken Sam.

Otto, he was unloading it or loading it. Doesn't matter. And I took out the Cow part... didn't like how it read. Oh, and I have NO sense of flow at all... thus why I stick to quirky writing.

I'll get to yours soon. Probably tomorrow night.

-zC
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Click.
Gears cranked and chambers twisted.
He set the revolver on to the table,
removed his cattle glove, and
flicked his leather hat back, grumbling.
"Only the good die young."

mmm, all of this is okay, but i think the last line is a lame way to transition into the rest of the piece. only the good die young is a pretty cliche phrase but we will see where you go with it.

Of course the good die young. They haven't had the chance to prove themselves unworthy. They haven't had a chance to corrupt their own names and ease their way across the high wire of humanity. Tip-toeing on great intentions, the broken dreams of high school sweethearts, and the dieing wishes of grandparents. The young are like me, looking toward the future with optimism and the present with cynicism; noting precisely this sentiment, the good die young... so I might as well go out with a bang and early. The old, they look to the past with optimism, remembering how great things were and the future with a sense of "who gives a fuck."

i liked all of this except the 'i might as well go out with a bang and early'. i thought that was a little straightforward but otherwise great here.

"Look, John, of course the good die young. When you die young, everyone just assumes that your death is robbing humanity of the greatness that could have been. Hell, if Hitler had died a young age, the old would have just assumed he would cure cancer. No one thinks that your future would hold the death of six-million Jews. Irreverence is taboo."

the hitler line i think doesn't really have the effect you wanted it to, its good but could be better if it was executed in a different way.

He tossed back a shot of bourbon and stared at me blankly.
"You think too much kid; you'll never make a good cow-hand."

pretty nice ending, can't complain.


overall i think there are a few flaws but this is a real solid piece. 7.5/10

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=839592
here is mine if you have time
#6
thanks for the crit lol. i know what you mean i hate politics lol. i just wanted to post somethin. but ya. i like this. lots of detail. maybe ill be this good some day. keep writin
#7
hhmm...
I'm sitting on the fence here.
The first and thrid stanza are done well.
But, the 2nd doesn't sit so easy with me. I love the ideas in it but the way it is presented wasn't anything near fantastic.

I'm still trying to get back in the poetic lingo... I don't know how to give feedback like I use to.
next piece you have up here, I promise you shall recieve a decent crit.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
The good die young and sometimes the youth die good. Other times people are legendary because they die young, the whole byronic hero thing. Where death transfoms them into a force of nature Ex. marylin monroe, jimi hendrix, john lennon, jfk. That is just my opinion.