#1
C4C


this is a work in progress tell me what you think . i wrote it because my dad has to go to iraq for six months. and i really hope his ending is different than my songs ending. hopefully none of this happens to him. but ya so here ya go


Six Months On The War Front

I take off for Iraq
hop on that C-5
my friends and family
praying that i stay alive

first month goes by
not much action yet
busy loading planes
of fallend friends and soldiers

month 2 rolls around
things start to get tense
paranoia, nausea, and headache commence

by this time in month 3
i know back hom they really miss me
but there is too much to do
when you have six months on the war front

month 4; random attacks
run for you life
cant catch your breath
cuz you know if you stop its death

tears rolling down from eyes
many friends have met their demise
just walking along when suddenly
you turn around to a cloud of smoke

its the edge of the line
we're up to month 6
finally time to head for home
there is so much that i missed

at the airport
safely traveling on
just so happens to be
a terrorist with a bomb

he blows up the plane engine
few survivors will be
you find yourself
in a big contradictory

the lady beside you
has no parachute
you regretfully offer her yours

you dont get to live
its been a long six months
but that is what happens
when you have 6 months on the war front


kinda long i know. sorry bout that. but wat yall think.
#2
It's very very difficult to critique anything with this much meaning to someone. So I won't. I will be honest though; this sounds just like every other "against war" song/poem I've ever read. You introduce a character, the character dies, and that makes the point that you want. There wasn't anything outside of the personal side (that this is something you are going through) to set this apart as something thought provoking or brilliant. At the same time, I can see why you wrote it... and its obviously personal, so yeah. Outside of not being superbly original, the only problem I can see is that there was no emotion in the piece. If you didn't introduce it with the fact that it was personal, I wouldn't have guessed it... it needs more passion. All that said, I've yet to read a political piece that I actually like. None of them are original or refreshing... it all feels stagnant.

A bump or comment on "Cow Hand Blues" would be appreciated.