#1
Last night we watched a romantic-comedy at the new place downtown;
A recent release about some overly clumsy guy, unsuccessfully trying to date a young movie starlet.
You enjoyed it and I needed a drink.
When we left the theater you said you felt bitter-sweet, because the film ended lovely -
but it was just a film after all, not real life.

We walked down a fairly busy street; it was warm for the season and a lot of people were out.
Around the corner we passed a street band playing a soft classic-rock tune.
You smiled at the singer.
He smiled back, but then frowned when you turned away and kept walking -
I dug out some change from my pocket.

You decided you wanted to continue the night at a dance-bar on Grant street;
It's one of those places where people dance to electronic music while sipping on fashionable cocktails.
Drinking makes me less mobile.
So I stood there, watching your scarlet-red dress dance alone as you called me a cynic -
I thought I was more friendly-sarcastic, just like I thought that the film was more of a tragedy.

Perhaps we just like different genres.
This is not a pipe
#4
*inhaling fresh air*

i adored how the last line was able to end this.

- great work. -

*exhaling fresh air*
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 18, 2008,
#5
I was going to message you earlier on asking if you were still writing, 'mel This was a really strong piece in meaning and you kept the thematic concepts up really well throughout.


Last night we watched a romantic-comedy at the new place downtown;
A new release about some spastic guy, unsuccessfully trying to date a young movie starlet.
"new/new" didn't sit with me, purely because I don't like the repetition unless it's witty or needed. This just felt like neither. Your use of spastic really shows you have balls (or as SYK has told me I need to be more careful in using that phrase, I'll change that to "have courage"). It's a word that when used could get you hated by a lot of pc people (and the media) so i liked your strength in using the term. Shows you have no restraints in your wording. Also gives a contrast between that and the movie star, thoug I don't like your connotations that a "spastic" could never be a movie star (though that's just my slight moral hand being dealt there).
You enjoyed it and I needed a drink.
When we left the theater you said you felt bitter-sweet, because the film ended lovely -
"film ended lovely" just felt a bit wishy-washy to me. Though it is from the character I felt it was a bit awkward to read and I immidetely thought that it could have been said better.
but it was just a film after all, not real life.

We walked down a fairly busy street; it was warm for the season and a lot of people were out late.
I don't think you need "late" on here. We already know it is night, we can tell from the rest of this line that you're impying we're later on in the night... "late" felt kinda unnecesary.
Around the corner we passed a street band playing a soft classic-rock tune.
You smiled at the singer.
He smiled back, but then frowned when you turned away and kept walking -
I dug out some change from my pocket.

You decided you wanted to continue the night at a dance-bar on Grant street;
It's one of those places where people dance to electronic music while sipping on fashionable cocktails.
Drinking makes me less mobile.
i love this little bit and how important it is to the meaning. It's subtle in doing so, but especailly on a second or third read it just has this immense power over the piece. Really great.
So I stood there, watching your scarlet-red dress dance alone as you called me a cynic -
I thought I was more friendly-sarcastic, just like I thought that the film was more of a tragedy.

Perhaps we just like different genres.
Friendly-sarcastic was cool. This ending was realy strong I felt.

The characters in this were very cool and the attitudes and values came across really, really clearly and cohesively. The images created were pretty good and your tone and style of presentation was the most impressive part, I thought. A solid and consistent voice is hard to find.

Really enjoyed this. Probably because (possibly just me) I read the whole thing as an adopted persona (opposite gender) before the title and how you presented ideas got me thinking, and I soon fell in love with the piece after I got my own thing out of it.

Which may or not be your chosen interpretation

Either way, I can look at this with different eyes and it makes me feel kinda sad

Such a strong piece.

I have some stuff in my sig if you want... I'd love any thoughts you have on my latest (though already I'm hating it). Thanks if you can.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 18, 2008,
#6
Overall pretty good. I'd probably like it more if it was more my own style (or maybe genre? lol). I'm a less is more lyricist, I like to have as little words as possible to say something. Good imagery and good structure though.
We're only strays.
#7
Quote by carmel_l
Last night we watched a romantic-comedy at the new place downtown;
A new release about some spastic guy, unsuccessfully trying to date a young movie starlet.
You enjoyed it and I needed a drink.
When we left the theater you said you felt bitter-sweet, because the film ended lovely -
but it was just a film after all, not real life.

I liked almost all of this. The only line I didn't like was "you enjoyed..." I liked the idea behind it... and the notion that comes with it. It just didn't hint with the cynical tone I think it really needs to set it apart. That said, I have no idea how to fix it. I also liked but didn't like the line break before lovely. I liked the sort of staccato it gave... but when I finished reading the line above it, I took it to mean she felt that way because the movie was over.

We walked down a fairly busy street; it was warm for the season and a lot of people were out late.
Around the corner we passed a street band playing a soft classic-rock tune.
You smiled at the singer.
He smiled back, but then frowned when you turned away and kept walking -
I dug out some change from my pocket.

The end of the first line.. "and a lot..." just seemed a bit clumsy. It seemed to drag on a little long an be a bit too direct. I loved the last two lines... they just complete this section. Everything else just seemed a bit to "tell-y" instead of really painting a scene using senses... but those last two were awesome.


You decided you wanted to continue the night at a dance-bar on Grant street;
It's one of those places where people dance to electronic music while sipping on fashionable cocktails.
Drinking makes me less mobile.
So I stood there, watching your scarlet-red dress dance alone as you called me a cynic -
I thought I was more friendly-sarcastic, just like I thought that the film was more of a tragedy.

Ugh. This was fantastic. I loved the tone. The sarcasm and cynicism and general disdain for what was happening that comes out in how this was written is just wow. This is the tone I wish my pieces had.

Perhaps we just like different genres.

Good closing... and "deep" too.



Like I said, I really liked this. Not much to point out at all. Good work Ms. Carmel.

I'd still love to have your opinion on the equation one if you have time.
#8
Thank you all guys, some valid points there. Some things I want to reply to and I'll edit in here tomorrow.

Also, I'll be returning critiques as well. Jamie, which one would you like me to look at? I see you have a new one.

Thank you very much again.
This is not a pipe
#9
Last night we watched a romantic-comedy at the new place downtown;
A new release about some spastic guy, unsuccessfully trying to date a young movie starlet.
The language in the second line doesn't sit with me well at all. I get that you're trying to be blunt with the 'spastic' thing, but it doesn't work for me. You're so forward there, and yet straight after you use 'unsuccessfully', which in the context of the piece is a pretty strong euphemism. I mean, if you're going for blunt, why not make the whole description blunt?
You enjoyed it and I needed a drink.
When we left the theater you said you felt bitter-sweet, because the film ended lovely -
but it was just a film after all, not real life.
It felt like there was an attempt at rhyming with the 'enjoyed it' 'bittersweet' thing. Correct me if I'm wrong though. On first read I didn't like it, but it doesn't really bother me now. The 'film ended lovely' reads awkwardly, just the use of 'lovely' there feels out of place.

We walked down a fairly busy street; it was warm for the season and a lot of people were out late.
You describe the movie theatre as 'THE new place downtown', not 'A new place'. So to the reader this implies that you want us to feel familiar with the area, like we should know where you mean - or pretend we do. Then you say 'a fairly busy street'. Keeping with the idea of the first line I would've preferred it say the street name you were walking down, to draw me in more.
Around the corner we passed a street band playing a soft classic-rock tune.
You smiled at the singer.
Eh, I sorta feel like this isn't really necessary. Even though it leads into the next line, [which I don't think adds anything to the piece either] this one just doesn't seem to mean much. It's just like... you've thrown a few descriptions in to build some vague picture.

He smiled back, but then frowned when you turned away and kept walking -
I dug out some change from my pocket.


You decided you wanted to continue the night at a dance-bar on Grant street;
I'm glad you chose to add a street name here.
It's one of those places where people dance to electronic music while sipping on fashionable cocktails.
Drinking makes me less mobile.
So I stood there, watching your scarlet-red dress dance alone as you called me a cynic -
I thought I was more friendly-sarcastic, just like I thought that the film was more of a tragedy.
Whoa, whoa, hold up. So you were with a girl? Are you a guy in this? Is it two girls? I'm really confused now. The poem reads as though it's from the view of a girl, at least for me. I think it could really do with being clarified. It's thrown me off completely now.

Perhaps we just like different genres.
I agree with nightraven about the ending. This point has been implied already, so it's a weak ending for me. And it seems way too set up for my liking.

If you're returning, could you please leave a comment on the 'I' in my sig. Cheers. Sorry if I came across rudely etc.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#10
Quote by carmel_l
Thank you all guys, some valid points there. Some things I want to reply to and I'll edit in here tomorrow.

Also, I'll be returning critiques as well. Jamie, which one would you like me to look at? I see you have a new one.

Thank you very much again.


The latest one if you couuld. I'm already hating the prose.
#11
I know I said, I'll edit stuff in, but I want to reply to Nate as well, so I'll just do it in a new post, excuse the bump.

First of all, assuming the gender of the narrator is a big presumption to make. Just because you know the gender of the writer, it doesn't mean you have to adopt that to the piece. Also, it could be two girls, if you want to see it that way. In any case, it's a couple, so I can't really see the importance of gender here.

Now, the part about the lovely... It was definitely intended to be the narrator making fun of the other character and her way of describing an ending to a film as "lovely" and it was meant to sound odd. Saying that, I do appreciate that it didn't really come through and I will consider changing it.

I'll also look into some of the wording in the second stanza ("late", "a lot" etc.), and will try to work the lines in better.
I don't really get what exactly you thought was unnecessary, Nate. I really thought it brought the piece together, especially because of the underlined meaning I tried to convey.

This also points to the ending, which even though it's separated from the piece and embodies the title, it is not the point I was trying to make.

Throughout the piece I tried to convey, apart from the obvious, how you can be with someone, notice all their flaws, all the things you find annoying, embarrassing, not very endearing, etc. - as well as certain aspects of your personalities in which you both are completely different - and yet at the end of the day, you're accepting it all, you are able to accept the person as they are and overcome the differences. The ending wasn't supposed to be a punch line, just an acceptance.

Obviously there were other things going on in the piece, meaning wise, but I think that I'll let other interpretations be... just cause it's more fun this way.

I think I got almost everyone on returning critiques. I'll get to yours as well, Nate.
This is not a pipe
#12
I felt the ambiguity on the gender issued made the piece, in my eyes.

Ah well.

On second read, I'm realy disliking "spastic". Probably because in blighty we've come to feel that whoever uses that word is ignorant, uncaring and thoughless for those who have difficulties. I kinda think it just sticks out in a bad way now I read through again.
#13
my opinion is that it works better without the last line. you build the writing up, subtley placing out suggestions of it's meaning and then you just throw it all away boldly implying it in the last line.
#14
I sort of liked this, but I felt it lacked your usual mastery of cadence and rhythm.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
this had a nice touch of class here carmey, though I don't really like the last line , I thought it would have been fine ending it with the paragraph before it...i do like the tone you set here and the personalities of the people, even though they really didn't have much of a chance to develop. But I guess I kept waiting for it to get a little more, idk, 'trippy', but it stayed at face value.

my latest, if you want:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=841731