#1
how easy it is
to look forward and forget
how much time i've spent
with such weathered regret
as if predisposed
to live life and waste it

lessons learned
they, unlike myself
have such fleeting shelf-life

is this life on earth?
are we all just (flesh and bone) convulsing?
adding on mileage since birth?
is life's goal simply to avoid hurt
live for pleasure
is there nothing else of worth?

Chorus:

bring it back
that way of life i once knew
i still know you
bring it back
so that i can see
that you are still with me

we face the end of an age
what awaits in this impending change?
and which choices do we make?
do we live life face to face?
do we turn our backs and begin decay?
maybe that choice was already made

in the chokehold
will we even know tomorrow?

and now i see
that though you are still with me
our over indulgent ways
will be short in dying

C4C!!
We're only strays.
#2
I like this piece mate, though I do find it hard to crit stufflike this as it is slightly different to the kind of stuff I write about.

The way I read it seems to put acroos a sense of deep regret at losing something you never had. This stanza stood out more to me than any of the others:

we face the end of an age
what awaits in this impending change?
and which choices do we make?
do we live life face to face?
do we turn our backs and begin decay?
maybe that choice was already made


There is some simple but very effective imagery within it and I assume the first and last lines were meant to tie the whole stanza together (duh, lol) but I mean the idea within the lines is similar and brings the verse fully together. The chorus was also impressive, very strong but again simple enough to understand.

One thing I didn't like was the form of the piece, again, this could be because I don't read pieces like this alot, but I just thought there wasn't as much of a flow in the piece as I am used to when I read something.

Could you check out my latest piece? Here's the link: Inside the Emptiness

Hope to read more of your stuff in the future mate!
#3
Wheres the link?!

And I'm not too sure about the flow myself. Thats always kinda been my week point. But I view it as just an opportunity to add more variation from the norm in my vocal phrasing, know what I mean? Glad you liked it.
We're only strays.
#4
I forgot to put the link in, lol. I editted it so it should be there now, if not, the piece is the top link in my sig, Inside of Emptiness, hope you enjoy it.

And yeah I understand the phrasing aspect, it can give the song song that litlle bit of difference from the norm, which is always a good thing.
#5


how easy it is
to look forward and forget
how much time i've spent
with such weathered regret
as if predisposed
to live life and waste it



Not too keen on the rhyming in lines 2 to 5. But I enjoy the use of "weathered" and "predisposed", reinforces the title



lessons learned
they, unlike myself
have such fleeting shelf-life



The word "fleeting" I think could be changed. An idea of mine is you also could replace shelf-life with half-life. But the connotations given from "shelf-life" of materialism would be lost.



is this life on earth?
are we all just (flesh and bone) convulsing?
adding on mileage since birth?
is life's goal simply to avoid hurt
live for pleasure
is there nothing else of worth?



I like the contrast between "mileage" (machine) and "flesh and bone" (human), but I think mileage should be changed for a better flow. You could also change lines 11 to 13 into a statement rather than a question to change the tone.

So:



If life's goal is simply to avoid hurt,
to live for pleasure,
then there is nothing else of worth.



In regards to the chorus, I found it a bit wierd to say "bring it back" when nothings happened yet. But it's sort of saying "bring it back before everything changes forever" which is cool



in the chokehold
will we even know tomorrow?



I really enjoyed this stanza. These two lines bring up a lot of ideas

--

I like the piece, though dystopian future isn't really my cup of tea. However, it needs tightening up and hopefully I've helped.
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#7
I actually thought this was great. For me the last stanza was the best one. I don`t have much to say except that it was great (pardon my english)

Do mine?

Unloved
#8
I felt this was basically clichés and familiar phrases thrown together and patched up with some generic rhyming and simple wording.

I didn't get any original voice from this and it felt like it could be one of any number of poems/song out there. Nothing new, nothing gained.

You clearly have writing skills, I just feel that you played it safe and boring, bringing no personal view with this piece.

Sorry, if you want me to look at a different piece of yours at any time, just PM me.
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