#1
It's a working title.

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, I want to get more into lyric writing, so I'm biting the bullet and getting some criticism on it, so I can improve

--

I am a queen but I move as a pawn.
The red carpet's out.
Don't shine the sun in my face,
I want to fade without trace,
Not as a front page disgrace.

I want out.
The limelight burns.

Limelight cuts the moonlight.
Streetlamps and camera flash decorate this misfortune ball.
Shadows of former selves,
will be picked by vultures
for the story of the week.

I want out.
The limelight burns.

Whatever happened to the simple life?
Choked by money and false friendships.

I want out.
The limelight burns.
Last edited by Pure_Morning at Apr 19, 2008,
#2
Some great parts and bad parts to an overall good piece. I'd rework the first stanza. The first two lines are fine, I like the queen analogy, but any rhyme with face and disgrace is going to lose any kind of substance because it instantly brings the reader's mind away to that Queen song. Which is interesting, because maybe you could work it into a play on words since you already have 'queen' in there. It'd be hard to make it not seem forced, though. Maybe impossible.

I like 'the limelight burns,' thats pretty good. The second stanza is good but its verging on also being too cliche. But anyways with a few changes this will be a real good song. Please crit mine:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=840515
We're only strays.
#3
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Some great parts and bad parts to an overall good piece. I'd rework the first stanza. The first two lines are fine, I like the queen analogy, but any rhyme with face and disgrace is going to lose any kind of substance because it instantly brings the reader's mind away to that Queen song. Which is interesting, because maybe you could work it into a play on words since you already have 'queen' in there. It'd be hard to make it not seem forced, though. Maybe impossible.

I like 'the limelight burns,' thats pretty good. The second stanza is good but its verging on also being too cliche. But anyways with a few changes this will be a real good song. Please crit mine:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=840515


Cheers for the critique

I see what you mean about the first stanza I'm tempted to try allude to "another one bites the dust", I'll see how it goes.
My "Rig":

Fender American Telecaster
Boss OD-2
EHX Small Clone
EHX SMM avec HAZARAI