#1
I was just wondering what everyone thinks of these lyrics I wrote. And critique is welcome.

---

It gets inside you, consumes you, moves you,
Even if you think the virus improves you,
Signs of corruption, path of destruction,
We all stand around amidst the disruption

Everyone wants it, but they don't know
the root of its evil is its welcoming glow.
Once it enters, the virus grows
And feeds off the mind, surely but slow

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

The virus first infects the best
Crushing the soul and feeding off the rest
Commanding the body, it continues its quest
The strength of your power is put to the test

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'll be just fine.

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

---

C4C if you want to.
Last edited by -Blue- at May 21, 2008,
#2
Pretty good, has overall good flow. I really like the line "surely but slow." Nice twist on an otherwise familiar phrase. I like that kind of thing.

I'd advise you to drop the line "losing my mind," because that just reminds me of Static X. And I hate them lol. Also, Maybe you should try trimming off any unnecessary lines. I'm the kind of writer that likes to use the smallest amount of words possible. Give it a try, it may work for you to.

Good song. Now please crit my song, from which you half stole the title (j/k, I know you didn't steal it lol): https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=840515
We're only strays.
#4
your words are very well done, i think the main problem with the writing is the rhyming scheme. remember, with lyrics you can experiment a little and having a AAAA. AABB or ABAB rhyming scheme is very generic. your second and fourth verses suffer from really plain rhyming and i think that's pretty much the downfall of your piece.

if you could just leave a comment, not a crit (since i never fully critted yours):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13867925#post13867925
#5
I agree with TV party, the rhyming is very basic . It starts of well and the rhythm is pretty much kept the whole way through. well done
#6
Quote by TV Party
your words are very well done, i think the main problem with the writing is the rhyming scheme. remember, with lyrics you can experiment a little and having a AAAA. AABB or ABAB rhyming scheme is very generic. your second and fourth verses suffer from really plain rhyming and i think that's pretty much the downfall of your piece.

if you could just leave a comment, not a crit (since i never fully critted yours):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13867925#post13867925

The second and fourth verses are meant to be more of a spoken thing rather than sung, so I intentionally had al the words rhyming. Would ABCB or something be better? What would you suggest? I really want to keep the basic rhythm of the song.
#7
Quote by -Blue-
I was just wondering what everyone thinks of these lyrics I wrote. And critique is welcome.

---

It gets inside you, consumes you, moves you,
Even if you think the virus improves you,
Signs of corruption, path of destruction,
We all stand around amidst the disruption
I enjoyed this opening stanza. Sets to tone well, creates a sense of movement and motion with the rhyming scheme. My only critism is that, yeah, the virus is a disruption, but it almost down plays it? Excellent otherwise

Everyone wants it, but they don't know
the root of its evil is its welcoming glow.
Once it enters, the virus grows
And feeds off the mind, surely but slow
That opening couplet is to die for. Brilliant. Evil and creepy. Along with the following lines

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride
Six feet under a red tide. Wow. Amazing imagery. Excellent stanza. Brings together the origins of the virus.

The virus first infects the best
Crushing the soul and feeding off the rest
Commanding the body, it continues its quest
Its final goal is to corrupt the rest
Continuing the viruses almost, statement of intent. Evocative, but the rhyming scheme is getting abit reptitive.

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'l be just fine.
If they only knew! Good mini closer. =]

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

---

C4C if you want to.

Cheers for criting mine. I've upped a new one if you wanna take a look. IV Sedatives
#8
It gets inside you, consumes you, moves you,
Even if you think the virus improves you,
Signs of corruption, path of destruction,
We all stand around amidst the disruption

Very nice intro man, i wish i could write something half as good as that, by far one of my fav openers!

Everyone wants it, but they don't know
the root of its evil is its welcoming glow.
Once it enters, the virus grows
And feeds off the mind, surely but slow

Not as good as the first line, but still pretty strong, just a bit wordy.

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

You could make it work depending on how it was sung.

The virus first infects the best
Crushing the soul and feeding off the rest
Commanding the body, it continues its quest
Its final goal is to corrupt the rest

it was good till the last line, you know like usuing rest 2ce.

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

no comment

Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'l be just fine.

i would only take just out, but leave the rest.

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

pretty decent man this would be a very kick@$$ metal song, especially if it was like a slipknot style thing. 7/10. its up to you, but you could crit mine too, the fall of man
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#9
it seems like you repeated the same words alot
its a very good piece
the beginning 3 stanzas were generally better
just sounded better in my head
#10
Quote by folotheendisher
The virus first infects the best
Crushing the soul and feeding off the rest
Commanding the body, it continues its quest
Its final goal is to corrupt the rest

it was good till the last line, you know like usuing rest 2ce.

---

Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'l be just fine.

i would only take just out, but leave the rest.

Wow, didn't even notice I used "rest" twice in that verse... I'll have to think of a new line to replace it.

And as for the two-line verse, other people seem to like it there, and it's just meant to be a break between refrains. Thanks for the comments, guys!
Last edited by -Blue- at May 21, 2008,
#13
I enjoyed reading this very much , in my opinion this is kind of great work i like how the rhymes change after the intro from aa bb to ccdc , but i think it a bit sad that a) the first two lines end on the same word and b) in stanza two the last word in the thrid line doesn't fit the rhymes of lines 1,2,4 , stanza 4 its the same as in stanza one with rest rest, maybe you could find another word there , continuing i would change

Surrender yourself and you'l be just fine. into

Surrender yourself and you'll just be fine.

the only stanza i didn't mention now is probably your refrain and i have to say this is great although i don't know how to sing that , but it's kind of addictive ^^

the content of the lyric is very cohesive , and although the topic is not the newest you brought up many intereting ideas to it , like :

In time you will find
You can only drown in your own pride ( I especially like this line)

keep this up , i'd be really interested if there some song for it yet?

please also crit my new lyric Before the Storm

EDit: well don't mind the thing with rest now , i like the new line
Greymane
#14
Not yet... I'm planning on writing the entire song, though. The line you said to change ("you'l") was a spelling error and was already changed with the changing of the second "rest" line. The intro verse has the second-to-last words rhyming in the first 2 lines (should that be changed? I, personally, think its fine the way it is). I might replace the line in the first "main" verse that sort of interrupts the rhyming (I thought it was good enough when I was writing it, but I might be able to think of a better one).

I'll take a look at yours now.
#16
hey, your peice has good flow, the rhyme, works well, but be careful not to overuse it, because it will lose effect. I'm guessing it probably has a biting or metal tone, so its got that down to a tee, its got some good use of language

"Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'll be just fine" I like the fact that its simple and will probably smash into the last chorus.
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#17
I like it the intro is very good but try spending more time writing the rest
but i like it reminds me of Resident Evil
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#18
It gets inside you, consumes you, moves you,
Even if you think the virus improves you,
Signs of corruption, path of destruction,
We all stand around amidst the disruption

Absolutely amazing

Everyone wants it, but they don't know
the root of its evil is its welcoming glow.
Once it enters, the virus grows
And feeds off the mind, surely but slow

Very good, but could be better with a different rhyme scheme

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

The backing vocals will make this sound bad ass

The virus first infects the best
Crushing the soul and feeding off the rest
Commanding the body, it continues its quest
The strength of your power is put to the test

Great job with the AAAA scheme

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

Awesome backing vocals once again

Losing your mind, run out of time,
Surrender yourself and you'll be just fine.

Pretty cool

It takes over your mind (but we never know, until it's too late)
Six feet underneath a red tide
In time you will find (Everybody knows you made your own fate)
You can only drown in your own pride

C4C