#1
Quote by Wilderness (Alone)
I won’t sleep softly,
Until every breath I breathe,
Is like the breeze of the open air,
Until my tears are not bitter,
And my blood flows without care,
For everything but truth faze me,
Until I can return to there,

The book is empty before me,
Pages unscarred with ink,
I am free to see, bleed and think,
I am the hidden letters,
That you cannot see,
Trying to reach that tipping point,
I am undefined, and set free,


Crit for crit.
#2
Originally Posted by Wilderness (Alone)
I won’t sleep softly,
Until every breath I breathe, - I'd think about changing this, it doesn't flow very well. Perhaps "each breath which I breathe" or "every breath I take". They are slightly more common, but in this case i'd say go with the cliché
Is like the breeze of the open air,
Until my tears are not bitter,
And my blood flows without care,
For everything but truth faze me, - "can faze me" It's like there's a missing word here
Until I can return to there,

The book is empty before me,
Pages unscarred with ink,
I am free to see, bleed and think,
I am the hidden letters,
That you cannot see,
Trying to reach that tipping point,
I am undefined, and set free, - end with a full stop? also I don't feel it's a powerful enough ending for the rest of your poem, try "I am undefined, I am set free." I think the repetion would give it a sense of power and finality maybe.


Otherwise it's a strong piece, I'm not usually a fan of blood imagery, but it was handled well here so good job.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
#3
Thank you for criticism. I'll keep it in mind. I'll probably expand it into a proper song soon. I just got a flash of inspiration having watched "Into The Wild".