#1
if belligerence is the key
i have not the door
i have not the answer
for why men cowarer
from the light like shadows


tantalizing possesstion fueled by greed
if we reap what we sow
i fear next harvest
for i am just modest farmer sitting on a half
acre of hell

am i so blind in my ways
oblivious
while paying tolls to not see sin
"whats so wrong with an apple"
rationalize,
just another step closer to godlyness
im told

"don't mind,
that hole in your soul"
don't think
if your mind can comprehend
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Apr 18, 2008,
#2
I'm not sure about the sort of archaic/biblical phrasing in the first stanza, it could work if you carried it throughout the whole piece but it looks out of place without being constand.

Typo of "reap" I think.

I really like the image of a "half acre of hell" and the idea of harvest.

Another style shift in the 3rd stanza, you're suddenly throwing big words about all over the place. again, could work if it was consistant, but sticks out as it is.

I like the "what's so wrong with an apple?" good biblical temptation referance, kept simple.

The ending is a bit unrelated too, what hole in my chest will heal? I do like the "don't think part" reinforces some points you raise earlier in the piece.

A few good idea's but as it's all first person, using "I" try and keep the narative voice constant, just refine this down and redraft. It could be a god poem/song
Too much gain = Ears in pain