#1
I've got a car that will take me from point A to point B.
It's not the best ride but it doesn't really have to be.
I bought you all cigarettes when you weren't quite eighteen yet.
You hugged me.
Thanked me.
Called me your best friend.

Now I stand behind a beard because it's the only thing
on my face that's flourishing these days.

Stop caring so much.
But don't forget me.
Poor advice.
#4
very good. i really liked the way it started and haven't got anything to complain about with the rest.
#5
Wow. Bloody brilliant.

The first two lines, kinda tricked me into thinking it would turn into a...*gasp* Offspring song. :p
#6
I love you.

This is not an Offspring song.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by stellar_legs
I've got a car that will take me from point A to point B.
It's not the best ride but it doesn't really have to be.
I bought you all cigarettes when you weren't quite eighteen yet.
You hugged me.
Thanked me.
Called me your best friend.

Now I stand behind a beard because it's the only thing
on my face that's flourishing these days.

Stop caring so much.
But don't forget me.


Always been a fan or your work. I wasn't overally excited about the ending, but just because it seemed rather sudden and unfinished. "Now I stand behind a beard because it's the only thing on my face that's flourishing these days" <--That part was pure genuis, and I don't really think it belongs in the piece since it is so much better than the rest. For a short peice I think it passes for acceptable. I just think it skips to fast, even for something short.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#8
I think the title links well to the final phrase, I don't know if it's deliberate but to me "but don't forget me" seems like a final request and the dates seem to have connotations of an epitaph on a tombstone, Almost like the narator feels that as he's grown up a part of him has died.

Or I could be so wrong. But I've had to practice english analysis lately so don't knock me for trying.

Good writing.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
#9
Ugh, I felt this was quite a tumble down.

You're so much better at the nittyy gritty than what's in those last seven lines.

Yeah there's a strong message in there but it doesn't always make a piece.


I've got a car that will take me from point A to point B.
For a first line it doesn't really get you in to the piece. It's flat, reminds me of a lame futureheads song and isn't striking, which is where you flare.
It's not the best ride but it doesn't really have to be.
I bought you all cigarettes when you weren't quite eighteen yet.
You hugged me.
Thanked me.
Called me your best friend.
For me this just isn't interesting. It feels lacking of enthisiasm, reading it felt like it was just meandering to your ending, none of this i really even felt help the piece... Idk, it could just be me, but this is quite lacking in crackle in pop. The first two lines read like some nursery rhyme which annoyed the **** out of me for straight away it gave some sort of naivety to the piece which I didn't think helped it. It was probably just the simple-ass rhyme at the end, but even the wording of it ("best" and "got") felt child-like, and I really didn't think having any sort of connotations like that helped the piece in it's message.

Also, I feel the two ideas (seperated after "be") don't play into each other at all. How you've worded it creates no link between the ideas presented (there's no "our car" etc, or anything) so immidietely I feel disconnecte here, a bit lost.

Like I said, I prefer your rougher, edgy stuff, and these last three lines felt kinda like a let down because, well, they were so simple. I mean, yeah, simple's good, but I think this stanza would only impress someone who hadn't read any of your stuff before. After reading you for like, two years or so, I thought it sucked, because it just felt fake (hope you don't take that word the wrong way, I'm just tryin to make a point). Hope you get what I mean. It's like 50 cent writing in iambic pentameter, or metallica covering rhianna.


Now I stand behind a beard because it's the only thing
on my face that's flourishing these days.
This line was cool. However, I question "because". I would prefer "as it's" instead. Not ony because I felt the alliteration would be stronger with just "behind a beard", but "as it's" gives the line a littlr more desperation in my eyes, which slightly strengthens the line. Cool image though, nice idea.

Stop caring so much.
But don't forget me.

I did like this ending, but I will go back to the first stanza - it should refer to this better. instead of just setting the moment (which in all honest S1 seemed to do) I think it should be digging into this meaning more, these last two lines. S1 I feel doesn't even hint towards this; I can't like the car line to this, I can't link the cigerettes to it or anything.

So yeah. I did feel this was a bit of a flaky piece on the whole, listed lazily to the finish with no real pizzazz or anything, just a handful of "nice" images put together with a vague outline. If it had been written by a forum newby I wouldn't have liked it, so I don't see why I should.

Just my fifty pence, Randy. Do want you wish with it.



Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 20, 2008,
#10
Quote by aksuperstar
Always been a fan or your work. I wasn't overally excited about the ending, but just because it seemed rather sudden and unfinished.


I disagree with this. I thought the ending was very good. The abruptness aided in adding feeling to the material, along with how the song "meandered," as Jammy put it. I think stellar did a very good job in not building up to that ending, and not losing the emotional undertones (albeit strong undertones) in a more conventional, smooth ending.

And also, this piece does not need pizzazz. That would ruin it. It almost seems this piece is a bit over your guys' heads, or that you simply missed it or read it wrong. IMO this is stellar's best piece yet. Very good emotional material.
We're only strays.
#12
I've got a car that will take me from point A to point B.
intriguing, it's a good hook but i think you can improve it maybe by expanding on point a and point b?
It's not the best ride but it doesn't really have to be. funny seems unecessary but it's nice gives backround
I bought you all cigarettes when you weren't quite eighteen yet.maybe slap some transition here? between the i and you i dont see how you two are togeather? and how does the car come in there. did you hop back in time? or what lol
You hugged me.
Thanked me.
Called me your best friend.mm i really didnt like this line. thought, it was very.. plain, seemed like a filler line

Now I stand behind a beard because it's the only thing
on my face that's flourishing these days.lol i thought this was great on it's own.. i love how you used flourishing and the beard. BUT where does this connect with everything?

Stop caring so much.
But don't forget me.i like this line. seems to bring good closure. a very subtle closing nothing flashy or radiant.

over all i thought this was very good short and sweet. i cited some places taht i didnt like and were iffy but in general it was very good. crit one of mine? in sig either one will do caz not many people have crited either -.- VERY annoyin
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#13
I'm with Jamie... this lacked. It had somethings going for it... and I finished reading it willingly... but there was nothing in it to make it even remotely memorable. It did what it was supposed to do... much in the same way a Janitor does... he does it, but no one cares really and no one remembers him.

Overall, it seemed like too many filler images and not enough solid and intriguing content to really live up to any of your other pieces.

-zC

(I don't always think negatively of your work, I just comment when I think I can be helpful. I usually read it and enjoy it... just don't say anything)
#14
Growing up is tough. Things change when we don't want them to. People that we thought we once loved are no longer in our lives. I can't comment on this. It is too true, and you can't critique the way the world spins.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#15
I think Zackary and Jamie are being silly. This was stripped down, bare, and real. It's not pynchon, it's not cummings, it's just the truth. And I think it's beautiful. This struck me more than most of what you, or anyone else, write because it's that raw desperation that pervades every life and every action. It brought the focus back to basic fear and for that I thought it was amazing.

Thank you Randy.
#16
I really think that in order to appreciate this piece you have to have more or less 'been there,' you know? This work communicated very clear to me. Zana asked how the flourishing line tied in, and the answer, at least as I interpreted it as, is that over time you can change, and even your best friends can become distant. You start to feel kind of like you're almost done growing up and are approaching grown up. So to me, the flourishing stanza added to the implied sort of feel to the song that for the writer, the sort of youthful social affluence is in the past.
We're only strays.
#17
If this had been written by some newbie who had just joined, I doubt there would be more than a crit or two, and I doubt even more that they'd be saying 'amazing' 'beautiful' etc.

This was pretty boring and lackluster Imo. The flourishing line was good. That's about all. Maybe the last line too. But there was way too much filler material, and there was really not much flow at all here.

I get the point of the piece. It did not go 'over my head', but I just don't think you executed the idea well.

You normally write strong emotional pieces but this missed the mark, for me at least.

I must congratulate you on one thing though. You have nearly everyone on this entire forum under your thumb.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#18
Quote by Snowblind 911
If this had been written by some newbie who had just joined, I doubt there would be more than a crit or two, and I doubt even more that they'd be saying 'amazing' 'beautiful' etc.

This was pretty boring and lackluster Imo. The flourishing line was good. That's about all. Maybe the last line too. But there was way too much filler material, and there was really not much flow at all here.

I get the point of the piece. It did not go 'over my head', but I just don't think you executed the idea well.

You normally write strong emotional pieces but this missed the mark, for me at least.

I must congratulate you on one thing though. You have nearly everyone on this entire forum under your thumb.

I think the fact that he is well known here has deffinately helped give him positive feedback, but only because this piece is very stripped down compared to other pieces.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#19
Quote by freshtunes
I think the fact that he is well known here has deffinately helped give him positive feedback, but only because this piece is very stripped down compared to other pieces.


Yeah I know... I get that people like it and can relate because they know him so well, but if people didn't know him, they wouldn't judge the piece because of who he is... just the content.

Who he is and why he writes don't mean shit all to anyone other than the people he knows.

I'd just prefer to see people judge a piece on its quality, rather than who wrote it and how much they like that person.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#20
Quote by #1 synth
I think Zackary and Jamie are being silly. This was stripped down, bare, and real. It's not pynchon, it's not cummings, it's just the truth. And I think it's beautiful. This struck me more than most of what you, or anyone else, write because it's that raw desperation that pervades every life and every action. It brought the focus back to basic fear and for that I thought it was amazing.

Thank you Randy.


I know what you mean, I just fell like if it had been written by somebody else, you wouldn't have liked it.

I did enjoy it though.

Not much to ad to what has alreadyb ee n said.

Good job. Not great, not amazing, but good job.
The honesty compensated for it all. Kudos on that.

edit : I had stopped reading replies after dylan's , to reply. sorry if I seem like I'm jumping in a bandwagon.
#21
i like this. i think its a nice break from your typical stuff, a bit more straight forward and it works well. nice job
#22
Quote by Snowblind 911
If this had been written by some newbie who had just joined, I doubt there would be more than a crit or two, and I doubt even more that they'd be saying 'amazing' 'beautiful' etc.


Sorry, but that's bullshit.

I opened the thread, didn't even paticularly think about who wrote it (i just liked the title), and it had some kind of effect on me. I found it pretty heartbreaking, especially the line about the cigarettes. It just connected with me because my friends older brother used to buy us cigarettes and try to hang out with us, but he was... not the kind of guy we wanted to hang out with. So we used to try and avoid him after he'd bought us them which was horrible.

It jogged that memory, the beard line was exceptional and the ending was just wonderfully full of emotion.

I found it beautiful, and so i said it was beautiful.
#23
Yeah I know... I get that people like it and can relate because they know him so well, but if people didn't know him, they wouldn't judge the piece because of who he is... just the content.

Who he is and why he writes don't mean shit all to anyone other than the people he knows.

I'd just prefer to see people judge a piece on its quality, rather than who wrote it and how much they like that person.

I think that does go on in this forum, and probably this thread, but I really doubt that everyone would just blindly give praise if the piece wasn't good. I've read stellar's stuff before, and I know his usual style (enough to know that this piece is a new direction towards song writing for him), but I definitely don't know or talk to the man himself.

Trust me, if I didn't like this piece, I would have said so. But if something is well written, the author deserves credit. Even if some of it may be a autonomous oral butt suction.

I dunno where that analogy came from but I think it works haha. Seriously though, this is a well done piece. I just think that its the kind that has to play off of the reader's own experience, and if you don't have that it's going to come across void.
We're only strays.
#25
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Seriously though, this is a well done piece. I just think that its the kind that has to play off of the reader's own experience, and if you don't have that it's going to come across void.
this really hit the nail on the head.
#26
The reason this piece is getting [this number of] comments is because of his name, and probably number of replies. He's a good writer, so we read his ****.

A new who could write this good would not get as many comments. Why? Because he is new.

Don't tell me you don't skip over the threads that are written by "newbies", or threads that have "newbie" titles.

I'd give any other kid the same criticisms and dick suckings-- I just have to click on his thread first. And I'll be honest, I'm biased as ****.

So, in closing, stellar_legs, I still love you. This is not an Offspring song.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#27
lmao i've been around here for.. a number of years on and off to be honest but still i havnt established any distinction for my witting Xp
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")