#1
i slink,
like some lame "locket of love"
or how she put it.
i coat my tongue in sighs
and scrape my teeth of desire
fuelling a longing for dreams
of sheep and still life
that keeps me stationary.
how i could paint
a picture of an apple,
but that apple doesn't scream
"save me"
much in the way i am,
tethered to these lame puppet strings.

upon recollection,
i burn my nose
to rid of the scent
that pulled me in
through long days
and sleepless nights.

///

crit for crit. i've changed this a lot, so i'm not sure what else i could change.
Last edited by TV Party at Apr 19, 2008,
#2
I can't quite see a flow to this, it seems more like a free verse poem than a song. If you have some way to work it out in your head then alright, but you might want to rework the lines a little. The choice of words is very good, and if there is a rhythm this could end up being a good song.
#3
i slink,
like some lame "locket of love"
or how she put it.
The imagery conjured from the first two lines is impossible to conjure. I have no idea how a "locket of love" can slink, or even what it is.
i coat my tongue in sighs
and scrape my teeth of desire
fuelling a longing for dreams
of sheep and still life
that keeps me stationary.
This is all pretty nice. Good metaphor work and it's original. With the way 'still life' is positioned in the piece, the title does nothing but weaken the effect of it to be honest. It's not as though 'still life' is a stellar moment within the piece, and one would expect it to be if you're drawing the title from it. I guess what I'm saying is that after reading this I dislike the title.
how i could paint
a picture of an apple,
but that apple doesn't scream
"save me"
much in the way i am,
tethered to these lame puppet strings.
Don't like this stanza. The apple line is weak and not really even appropriate. It just comes out of nowhere. The comparison between the apple and you is really vague, and for it to be effective you need to tie the two more closely together, although I'd still like to see you try make the same sort of analogy with an idea used previously in the piece. I don't get why you put a comma in the second last line either.

upon recollection,
i burn my nose
to rid of the scent
that pulled me in
through long days
and sleepless nights.

I'm indifferent towards this ending. It's adequate, it works, but it's not really punchy and it doesn't leave me with much. It's so-so. It feels as though you built the whole piece around this ending somehow, as if you tried to set it up for this ending. I don't think you pulled it off really. I can't think how you could rework the ending but I feel like it needs something more.

Anyway, pretty good job overall. The bit just after the intro was really great, other parts weren't really tied together too well and felt too stretched.

If you're returning, could you get the 'I' in my sig. Thanks.
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#5
i slink,
like some lame "locket of love"
or how she put it.
First two lines were intriguing. Made me interested. The last line however, felt like a cop-out. Like you didn't feel like putting the effort into completing it.
i coat my tongue in sighs
and scrape my teeth of desire
fuelling a longing for dreams
of sheep and still life
that keeps me stationary.
This had interesting wording. I really liked it. The sheep bit was a bit expected and I don't think added much. The ending of this bit was really really good. Nice.
how i could paint
a picture of an apple,
but that apple doesn't scream
"save me"
This gets interesting again, but the tenses are a bit confusing, "could" and "doesn't"... I think you need to work it in better. Nice idea though, just a bit simple. Needs more meat for me.
much in the way i am,
tethered to these lame puppet strings.
Very nice ending, I really liked what you created here, but I really thought it needed more, again.

upon recollection,
i burn my nose
to rid of the scent
that pulled me in
through long days
and sleepless nights.
I really liked this part. The last two lines were a bit of a cliché and I thought you could have made it your own more.

I think that sometimes, throughout your pieces (I've read quite a few by you), you tend to over simplify and like to keep it short. I'd recommend you experiment with writing longer pieces, or rather, longer lines. Don't limit yourself, don't cut it down and try to extend your descriptions.

With that, I really liked it overall. You have great ideas and a good way about conveying them.
This is not a pipe