#1
Something I wrote after not even reading poetry over a few months...


The eerie music plays in my head
Gradually Building


Its rare to be enveloped in complete darkness
But tonight, the ill-omened clouds
won't even permit the moon to watch me

My cautious footsteps land in sync with the slow n' screechy violin
and my pace follows suit of the tempo

Jogging

The panicked jogger always finds the dead body
or...
He is the dead body
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Apr 19, 2008,
#2
spooky.. Should it "its" be "it's" ? Or was that how you happened to write it.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#4
This piece is too self-absorbed and comes across as trying way too hard to be descriptive, deep/abstract, and poetic.

The line breaks do this no justice at all. Neither does the lack of punctuation.

The alliteration of 'gradually growing' seems forced, and comes across as tacky.

The language is all over the place. Choose a tone and style of the piece and stick with it.

The set-up to the last line is weak. And the ellipsis before the it makes the whole thing just seem way too 'try hard'esque, and for a punchline it's not strong at all.

I took very little from this piece.

Yes, I'm being way too blunt and will come across as rude , but useless, hollow praise doesn't make anyone a better writer.

Edit: If you feel like returning could you maybe leave a word or two on the 'I' in my sig? Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Apr 19, 2008,
#5
Quote by ninja monkey



The eerie music plays in my head
Gradually Growing

To be honest, the first line is the only one in this piece that I genuinely liked. Its so brutally simple, but at the same time so complex. It creates a lot of different elements, is he scared? is he insane? why eerie music? etc... However, then you went and ruined it with a very forced alliteration.

Its rare to be eneveloped in complete darkness
But tonight, the ill-omened clouds
won't even permit the moon to watch me

Check the spelling of enveloped. This just seemed over done. You were painting a scene... but you were trying to hard. Like an artist pushing to hard with a paintbrush, you just sort of blotted out all of the intricacies that could have been with overdone wording and overly forced, cliche ideas.

My cautious footsteps land in sync with the slow n' screachy violin
and my pace follows suit of the tempo

Jogging

The paniced jogger always finds the dead body
or...
He is the dead body

Again, all of this just seemed overly forced. I mean, you painted a scene, and I could see it... but its the same scene that I've read before in the Hardy Boys, you know? It read a bit like a children's poem... where they have to give every-detail... you sort of cheapened everything by not leaving anything to the imagination. Beyond that, your closing stanza is just cheesy. It takes away from the mood you had created... which really ends the piece on a bad note.


Sorry Ted. Not a big fan, but its good to see you back. Hope you stick around.

If you have time, a bump and some thoughts on cow-hand-blues or the equation one in my sig would be appreciated.

-zC
#6
Snowblind: I agree that this totally sucks. And yes, I will return.

Zach: Yeah, I haven't attempted writing in a long time... and it was extremely hard for me to fart out this little thing. no need to apologize, I've always loved the brutal honestly on this forum. (I plan on staying for a while... and frequenting here during the summer.) To cowbell blues I go.
Promises meant a lot back then.